Ko no Kiba Chapter 1

[two_heads_talking]

(quote)鉄夜は(アル)バイト(先）から家に帰る途中でした。would be also fine. (quote) Thanks coco-san, this was the type of sentence I was going to suggest. tochuu or tokoro are very commonly used for in the middle of or while doing.. (at least I think I am describing it correctly.. sheesh it's been a long time)

[Dehitay]

Dang, I didn't realize this many replies had piled up. Now I have a lot more corrections to go back and work on. Not to mention I thought I finished chapter 2 but I'm sure some of the things coco said applies to that draft as well. Thanks for the corrections.

[coco]

A few more comments and corrections.

「おじょうちゃん、親はどこ？」

おじょうちゃん is nothing wrong, but I think people over 50's tend to use this.
People around your age generally don't use おじょうちゃん／ぼっちゃん, at least in this context.
「どうして泣いてんの？　お母さんは？」
「どうしたの？　お母さんは？」
are commonly used, I think.

「わたしは鉄夜。おじょうちゃんは？」

In this case, ぼく( or even おれ) is natural.
「ぼくは鉄夜。きみは？」
「ぼくは鉄夜っていうんだけど、きみの名前は？」
(If 鉄夜 is Japanese, I think he haven't mentioned his name yet in this situation. This might be difference of culture/ habit. Either way, to know the girl's name at this stage is convenient for us to read the story.)

「じゃ、赤美ちゃん、どこに最近親といっしょうにいた？」

「どこで最後にお父さんとお母さんを見たの？」　might be　"Where did you last see your parents?". 「いつまでお母さんといっしょにいたの？」 might be natural.
　

「迷子だから交番行くはず」

You can't use はず in this line. はず is used when you mention your (corollary?) expectation that is led to an objective reason.
e.g.
(さっき、救急車が来て女の子を乗せていったから)その子は病院にいるはず(だ)。
(父は9時発の飛行機に乗ったから)10時半には東京に着くはず(です)。
Grammatically, べき　can be used in this context, like
「迷子になったんなら交番に行くべきだよ」
However べき might be too strong in this context. 　
See this thread and Shin1ro-san's post.
「道に迷ったなら、交番に行ったほうがいいんじゃない？」
might be a natural conversation.(Depends on 鉄夜's character, though.)

「じゃ、何したい？」

This is grammatically correct (even がorを was omitted), but it commonly indicates "What do you want to play?" rather than "What do you want to do?" 「じゃ、どうしたいの？」would be more natural, I think.

「どう帰るの知るか」

「どうやって帰るのか知ってる？」
知るか is hardly used in this context. どうやって帰るのか知ってるのか would be used, though it has a gruff tone.　

鉄夜は古い家に赤美を従いました。

It seems to me that this sentence was made by E-J translation software.
ついていく would be the verb instead of 従う.

あなたがどこへ行こうとも、わたしはついていきます。 [T]
Wherever you go, I will follow you.−WWWJDIC

鉄夜は赤美の後についていきました。
鉄夜は赤美の後について、古い家まで行きました。But
鉄夜は赤美の後をついていきました。すると、(一軒の)古い家がありました。
might be more natural.

錠が下りていませんでした。

This is a correct usage.
鍵がかかっていませんでした is more common in a daily conversation.　

赤美は入ったけど、鉄夜が外で待ちました。

In this phras, 鉄夜は is used.
I think 入りましたが is better than 入ったけど since this is a narration.
赤美は家の中に入りましたが、鉄夜は外で(赤美を?)待ちました。
If I'm not wrong, it is 鉄夜 that said バイバイ, and I have one question. What was 鉄夜 waiting for? Was he waiting a chance to say good-bye?

「入ってもいい」

If this is something like "You may come in", then 入ってもいいよ is used.

「だいじょうぶ。バイバイ。」

「いや、いいよ。もう帰るから。それじゃバイバイ」might make this conversation more clear.

「いつ帰る？」

This is understandable, but いつ帰ってくるの？ would be better. Adding の　(as an ending particle) makes a tone of your question much softer. This の is widely used especially when you are talking to a kid.
There are men who prefer using だい/かい instead of の, though.　
　 　

「じゃ、だれと住んでる？」

「じゃ、だれと住んでるの？」
「じゃ、だれと住んでるんだい？」

「一人だけ」

「ここに住んでいるのは、あたしだけ」might be more natural.

赤美は扉閉めました。

を is needed after 扉．

赤美は鉄夜の肩に手を置いて「ありがとう」と言いました。

This sentence is grammatically perfect.
I was just wondering if it's common that 11 years old girl ( considered 147cm±8cm tall, if 赤美 is Japanese) put her hand on someone's (over 170 cm?) shoulder.

「いい」

I suppose this is Tetsuya's reply, but I couldn't get this meaning.

牙が出し抜けに鉄夜の首を刺しました。

If 牙 is a someone's name, 出し抜けに鉄夜の首を刺しました makes perfect sense.　　 　


If you wanted to know only grammatical errors, I apologize for talking too much.
---
Two_heads_talkingさん
お役に立てたなら、なによりです。

　　

[Hatori]

I have a quick n00b-ish question that I'm not entirely sure of:
Are the brackets below quotation marks in Japanese writing?
「」

[richvh]

Yes, they are.

[bamboo4]

Dehitay, why don't you take all of the above suggestions and rewite the story one more time so that everybody can read it afresh and provide suggestions, if needed?

[hellfirebg]

面白かった。Looking forward to the next chapters .

[clay]

Dehitay, good job. I haven't read chs 2 and 3 yet, but I'm already looking forward to what happens to the vampiress.

Another idea would be to start a group to discuss it. I'm not sure which would be better--forum or group--or both! I think once the forum is themed, it will be easier since there will be global site links and the groups will be shown in a column even here.