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Advice on better writing?

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Advice on better writing?

Postby avi2007 » Fri 05.09.2008 9:52 pm

I wanted to reply to a friend's letter and not sure about a few things:
In any case, here's the letter:
〇〇さん Stands for my friend's name.

ひさしぶりです。こちらはもう暖かくなりましたけど、ために雪が降ります。先週メールを届いたら、とてもびっくりした。〇〇さんはこんなに早く台湾へ行ったと思わなかったんです。二週間前に手紙を送りましたよ。でも、今たぶん〇〇さんは帰国まで届けないでしょう。台湾でいつまでいますか?私は台湾へ行ったことはないですから、写真なんかメールで送ってくれませんか?こちらも写真を添付しました。〇〇さんが大好きな雪の景色の写真です。こちらは五月にも雪降りで信じられませんか?最初私もとても驚きました。いつ天気が晴れになればいいなぁ~とおもって、毎日出かける前に窓で確かめるけど、毎日雪しか見えません。

ところで、台湾の天気はどうですか?晴れでしょう?今年のクリスマスはどこかで旅行したいと思って、お土産にそのときかってあげますよ。でも、いつまでまた会えるかわからなくて、こちらはたのしみにしています。^^帰国したら、教えてね。

Things I wasn't sure about:
- I wasn't sure about how to say attachments for email so I looked it up on the internet and found "tenpu" can I use that?
- between totemo, zuiben, sugoi, which is used more for writing? I used totemo by default as you could see.
-This particular sentence sounds odd to me and I couldn't write it another way myself いつ天気が晴れになればいいなぁ~とおもって、毎日出かける前に窓で確かめるけど、毎日雪しか見えません。Can I get some suggestions?

And if possible, I would very much appreciate a thorough check to see if I made any other mistakes. Thank you. :oops:
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Re: Advice on better writing?

Postby Harisenbon » Fri 05.09.2008 11:27 pm

First off, when writing Japanese, you should put many more line breaks than you do in English. If you look at Japanese emails and whatnot, you will see that there is generally only one (or even half) a sentence per line.

For example
ひさしぶりです。
こちらはもう暖かくなりましたけど、
ために雪が降ります。


Also, ために [for] is wrong. I think you meant たまに [sometimes].
I also think that having a まだ before たまに sounds more natural.
こちらはもう暖かくなりましたけど、まだたまに雪が降ってきます。

先週メールを届いたら、とてもびっくりした。

First, you would use が for 届く. However, when you are receiving the mail, もらう or いただく is much better. 届いた sounds like you send the mail, and are surprised it got there.
メールいただいたので、とても驚きました。
Watch out for changing politeness levels. You've been using ます form for the letter, so don't suddenly switch into plain form and the childish びっくり.

〇〇さんはこんなに早く台湾へ行ったと思わなかったんです。

....台湾へ行くと思いませんでした。

でも、今たぶん〇〇さんは帰国まで届けないでしょう。

This sounds weird for some reason. Why do you have the 今 there?
What are you trying to say?
"However, now the letter won't get there until after you get home."
The letter will get there whether or not she is at her house, correct? I'd try rephrasing this a different way.

私は台湾へ行ったことはないですから、写真なんかメールで送ってくれませんか?

なんか is incredibly casual and goes against the politeness level that you've been using in the rest of the mail
写真をメールで送ってくれませんか? would be better.

こちらも写真を添付しました。

Good use of 添付

こちらは五月にも雪降りで信じられませんか?

I've never heard 雪降り used like this, but that may be because I try to stay out of snowy places. ;)
こちらでは五月にも雪が降るということ信じられませんでしょう?
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Re: Advice on better writing?

Postby avi2007 » Fri 05.09.2008 11:38 pm

文章を直してくれたありがとうございます~
However I still have a few lingering questions. If I wanted to say "would you send me some pictures or the like?"In formal terms, Can I Reword my sentence into: 写真とか送ってくれませんか?

Edit, nevermind about the above questions. I've forgotten that I could say: 写真などおくってくれませんか? :oops:

I was trying to say : However, now the letter won't get there until after you get home
Can i reword it to: でも、多分〇〇さんが日本へ帰るまで届けません。Or perhaps もらいません?I hope it doesn't still sound...unnatural

Thanks
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Re: Advice on better writing?

Postby becki_kanou » Sat 05.10.2008 12:10 am

Harisenbon wrote:
avi2007 wrote:先週メールを届いたら、とてもびっくりした。


First, you would use が for 届く. However, when you are receiving the mail, もらう or いただく is much better. 届いた sounds like you send the mail, and are surprised it got there.
メールいただいたので、とても驚きました。


You would use が with 届く, but if you're going to use いただく it should still be を.
Last edited by becki_kanou on Sat 05.10.2008 2:57 am, edited 2 times in total.
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Re: Advice on better writing?

Postby avi2007 » Sat 05.10.2008 2:02 am

becki_kanou wrote:
Harisenbon wrote:先週メールを届いたら、とてもびっくりした。

First, you would use が for 届く. However, when you are receiving the mail, もらう or いただく is much better. 届いた sounds like you send the mail, and are surprised it got there.
メールいただいたので、とても驚きました。


You would use が with 届く, but if you're going to use いただく it should still be を.[/quote]

So it would be: ”たぶん、日本に帰るまでもらわないでしょう。”?Correct?
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Best Dictionary site ever! http://www.nihogoresources.com
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Re: Advice on better writing?

Postby Harisenbon » Sat 05.10.2008 3:23 am

becki_kanou wrote:You would use が with 届く, but if you're going to use いただく it should still be を.


Erk, forgot to change that to an を when I changed 届く to いただく(汗
At first I was just going to call him on the を→が thing, but then decided that the whole thing needed to go. ;)
Thanks for catching that! =)
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Re: Advice on better writing?

Postby becki_kanou » Sat 05.10.2008 4:24 am

avi2007 wrote:So it would be: 「たぶん、日本に帰るまでもらわないでしょう。」?Correct?

What was the original sentence that you wanted to convey in English again?

Harisenbon wrote:Erk, forgot to change that to an を when I changed 届く to いただく(汗
At first I was just going to call him on the を→が thing, but then decided that the whole thing needed to go. Thanks for catching that! =)


No problem, I figured as much! :mrgreen:
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Re: Advice on better writing?

Postby avi2007 » Sat 05.10.2008 1:42 pm

Sorry forgot to put it in full context...

English: I've sent you a letter two weeks ago,but since you went to Taiwan, you probably won't get it until you get back to Japan.

Japanese: 二週間前に手紙を書いて送りましたよ。
でも、〇〇さんが今台湾にいますが、
多分、日本へ帰る前に届けないでしょう。(Or もらわないでしょう)Not sure which to Use...

Thanks
Windows IME problems Solved! Happy^^

I MOD here: http://www.japanese-lessons-online.com
Best Dictionary site ever! http://www.nihogoresources.com
My old crappy lessons are posted here somewhere: http://www.yume-to-yukari.com
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Re: Advice on better writing?

Postby Mike Cash » Sun 05.11.2008 12:50 am

I think you meant 届かない instead of 届けない.

Be careful of the differences between transitive/intransitive verbs. (届く vs. 届ける)
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