Letter corrections please!

Feel free to practice writing in Japanese or romaji. Help each other out with corrections or replying back in Japanese
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Ino
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Letter corrections please!

Post by Ino » Mon 06.15.2009 2:52 am

Hey guys! I'm trying to write a letter to a friend of mine in Tokyo, but as I was writing this I felt like there were a lot of mistakes and things that didn't make sense. So if you have any suggestions, I would be really grateful to hear them!


暑くなってまいりました。元気ですか。お久しぶりですね。東京はどうですか?バンクーバーはあったかいだけでなく、とてもきれいですよ。学校はどうですか?高校の4年生ですか・コーヒーさんはどうですか。じょうだんです!私と私の家族はとても元気ですよ。時期、私は卒業するようになります。
うれしいを感じます。やっぱり、映画官ままで仕事することにします。また、日本語を勉強していますからぺらぺらようにしたいです。出きるようにならればうれしいはずです。
日本へ行きたいために日本語勉強しています。

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keatonatron
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Re: Letter corrections please!

Post by keatonatron » Mon 06.15.2009 7:23 am

Overall it's not bad! It starts out fine...
Ino wrote:暑くなってまいりました。元気ですか。お久しぶりですね。東京はどうですか?バンクーバーはあったかいだけでなく、とてもきれいですよ。学校はどうですか?高校の4年生ですか・コーヒーさんはどうですか。じょうだんです!私と私の家族はとても元気ですよ。
But then it starts to get wierd:
時期、私は卒業するようになります。
うれしいを感じます。やっぱり、映画官ままで仕事することにします。また、日本語を勉強していますからぺらぺらようにしたいです。出きるようにならればうれしいはずです。
日本へ行きたいために日本語勉強しています。
時期 just means a season or time of the year. What do you mean by starting a sentence with it?
And why did you choose 卒業するようになる instead of just 卒業する?

うれしいを感じます -- うれしい is an adjective, so you can't 感じる it. You can simply say うれしいです to mean "I am happy" or うれしく感じます to mean "I feel happy"... but the second one might be strange (why do you feel happy if you aren't really happy? If you really are happy, why not just say so?) I guess "Feel happy" is an English idiom :?

ままで needs to come after a verb or a noun with の. Either way, it doesn't seem right for this sentence. Why not try "I've decided to continue (続く) working at the movie theatre? (which is 映画館 by the way)

Should be ペラペラになりたい... again, you're making it too complicated with ように, and したい is for changing other things, not yourself.

なられば? Again, too complicated with よう :wink: Just try "If I can (出来たら or maybe 出来るなら), I will be happy"

行きたいため means "so I can want to go". Change it to "so I can go" or "because I want to go", and you've got a winner!

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Hyperworm
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Re: Letter corrections please!

Post by Hyperworm » Mon 06.15.2009 7:51 am

時期 looks like a 変換ミス for 直 (or just じき :P).
ため can mean "because", but maybe it would work better without に?
fun translation snippets | need something translated?
BTC@1KMZXgoWiDshQis5Z7feCx8jaiP4QAB2ks

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Ino
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Re: Letter corrections please!

Post by Ino » Mon 06.15.2009 1:40 pm

Ah! Thank you very much! For 時期 I meant to say soon...but maybe すぐwould work better? Thank you all very much for your input!

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keatonatron
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Re: Letter corrections please!

Post by keatonatron » Mon 06.15.2009 9:57 pm

Ino wrote:Ah! Thank you very much! For 時期 I meant to say soon...but maybe すぐwould work better? Thank you all very much for your input!
How about そろそろ?

It shows that the time is soon, but implies there was a long journey/wait before getting to this point.

すぐ sounds like the whole process was short... "I started school last week, and I'm already graduating tomorrow!"

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Ino
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Re: Letter corrections please!

Post by Ino » Tue 06.16.2009 4:05 pm

Oh yeah! Good idea! Ok I'll do that.

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