My Untitled Story (in the making)

Feel free to practice writing in Japanese or romaji. Help each other out with corrections or replying back in Japanese
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Posts: 23
Joined: Mon 03.10.2008 1:46 am

My Untitled Story (in the making)

Post by JohtoKen » Thu 08.06.2009 5:31 pm





00001号 - 紹介




Posts: 1168
Joined: Sat 08.01.2009 2:11 pm
Native language: Japanese
Location: Tokyo

Re: My Untitled Story (in the making)

Post by NileCat » Fri 08.07.2009 1:34 pm

It seems very tough. But I'll give it a try anyway...

> 人間らしいSUBFORMを持っている少年。
I have no idea what SUBFORM means.
But since it is written in English, your readers would find it intriguing.
> 静かで平和な「骨稽」という郊外に住んでいる。
滑稽 is a name of the town, correct?
In order to make it clear, you'd better to add something like ~という名前の.
Also I recommend to add the word 街(まち).
That's because 滑稽 doesn't soud like a name of a town to Japanese readers.
Yes, it's a strange name. But at the same time, the strangeness gives your story some kind of cool and new feelings.
I, at least, found it very interesting. Ok?
> この少年の気持ちを表している人間らしいSUBFORM。
Still, the meaning of the word remains a mystery. But it's ok if it's your intention.
Here, you need to put the word 'He' who lives in the digital world.
Even in Japanese, we sometimes want a subject !
> ―――コノモノガタリハココカラハジマリマス――― Totally fine and effective.
> 骨稽(こっけい)。午前3時半頃。Fine.
> 寝ている郊外の間で光を当てる。
Grammatically speaking, I'm sorry but this sentence doesn't make any sense.
But I don't want to ruin the cool feeling of your writing here.
My suggestion would be you to choose a subject word. He or The light or The town or whatever.
> ひとりの窓からほのかな明かりを当てる。
ひとつの窓からほのかな光が見える。would be better.
> 光の前で座ってる者は子供の頃から生活がコンピューターで取り囲まれた少年だ。
光の前 'に' sounds more natural.
> 感情がほとんどないような顔を持って、Cool.
> 夜更かしする事と寝不足の親の警告に無関心でありながら、
夜更かしする事と寝不足という、親の警告に無関心でありながら、would be appropriate for your intention.
> 当てもなくインターネット領域をさまよい歩いた。
さまよい歩いている。sounds better.
> 同じ場所の間を行ったりきたりしながら、
Here, again, you need a subject. Add 'He'.
> どこからともなくピング音を出して目の前でメッセージが突然に現れる。
Don't ask me why... I can't explain why it sounds more natural.

Well... You see?
I just found your writing was unique and kind of cool.
I know there is no textbook that can tell you how to write cool and sexy.
Keep writing!

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