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先生にメールを読んで直して下さいませんか。

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先生にメールを読んで直して下さいませんか。

Postby kinokage » Sun 02.10.2013 3:30 pm

こんにちは!

I'm writing an e-mail to my Japanese teacher, whom I haven't seen since December, and I wonder if some of you would read it (below) and point out the errors. (Sensei is very kind, but I don't like to ask him to correct things outside of our lessons!) Context: I consider him both a highly accomplished teacher/scholar and a friend (as we've gone to dinner and parties together), so I tried to use -masu forms throughout, excepting formulas like 今年も。。。。 I'll be grateful for any insight, so please don't hold back.

Hi, 先生—あけまして、おめでとうございます! 今年もよろしくお願いいたします。 お元気ですか。 今週、先生がよろしければ、会いましょうか。 私は水曜日にダンスのたち稽古がありますので、ちょっと。。。。 でもその外、何晩にも(でも?)いいと思いますが。 時間がありましたら、知らせて下さいませんか。

お久しぶりですね。 今度のレッスンを楽しみにしていますよ。

Some specific questions:
- Does itasu come across as falsely humble? I also study Tea, so I use "onegaiitashimasu" quite often (and Sensei knows this).
- Would "dansu no tachigeiko" be appropriate to refer to a dance rehearsal?
- Would "nanban ni mo ii to omoimasu ga" work as, essentially, "Any evening is fine"? Or should it be "nanban de mo", as with dochira? Or something else?
- Is "arimashitara" OK in this context?
- Which form of "let me know" would be best? ”Oshirase kudasai" sounds a bit businesslike/abrupt to me. "Shirasete kudasai" seems better, but I tried "kudasaimasen ka" to soften it a bit. He's very busy, and I don't want to sound too demanding.
- Is を appropriate to link 楽しみに and the thing being looked forward to?
- is よ OK there?

Lots of questions for a short e-mail, but I'd rather know what I need to work on. Many thanks!

木の陰
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Re: 先生にメールを読んで直して下さいませんか。

Postby NileCat » Sun 02.10.2013 4:36 pm

Hi kinokageさん,
I think it’s very well written.
Let me answer to your questions.

-今年もよろしくお願いいたします sounds totally fine.
-You don’t need たち. ダンスの稽古 is fine. ダンスのリハーサル (or ダンスのレッスン) would be fine too.
-We don’t use 何晩. There are a couple of expressions. Choose one.
・でもその他の夜は、いつでも大丈夫です。
・でもその他の夜なら、いつでも結構です。
・でもそれ以外の夜なら、いつでも大丈夫だと思います。
-時間がありましたら makes sense. But お時間がありましたら would sound more polite. We use ご都合のよい日がありましたら often.
-About “let me know”. If you want to soften the whole sentence more , you might want to add もし at the top.
もしご都合のよい日がありましたら、お知らせくださいませんか。
-レッスンを楽しみにして sounds fine.
-よ at the end sounds too casual to me.

Also, 会いましょうか would sound too casual. Common expressions are:
・お会いできればと思います。
・お会いできればと思っています。
・お会いできたらうれしいです。

Hope this helps. :)
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Re: 先生にメールを読んで直して下さいませんか。

Postby kinokage » Tue 08.06.2013 9:07 am

Hi, NileCat—Many thanks! That does indeed help very much. I'm never sure with the 敬語 because our relationship is ambiguous (in a good way). I look forward to reading your reply again and adding the options to my study list. :-)

どうもありがとうございました!
Best,
kinokage
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