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日本語で書く練習

Feel free to practice writing in Japanese or romaji. Help each other out with corrections or replying back in Japanese

RE: 日本語で書く練習

Postby paul_b » Sun 07.30.2006 9:55 am

Ongakuka wrote:
I'm sorta working my way around that...


Well how about ...

スミスは本田を居間に案内して、小さな部屋でしたが、たくさん宝飾があった。その時は、スミスがダイニングルームから来た
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RE: 日本語で書く練習

Postby Ongakuka » Sun 07.30.2006 9:59 am

スミスは本田を居間に案内して 


Nice! Consider this added!
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RE: 日本語で書く練習

Postby paul_b » Sun 07.30.2006 10:00 am

Ongakuka wrote:
スミスは本田を居間に案内して 

Nice! Consider this added!

On second thoughts I think it needs to be a separate sentence - e.g. 案内した。
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RE: 日本語で書く練習

Postby Ongakuka » Sun 07.30.2006 2:36 pm

Updated. If possible I'd like some redirection with the next part, I think the wording is Ok but the grammar is squew-whiff.
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RE: 日本語で書く練習

Postby richvh » Sun 07.30.2006 2:49 pm

Ongakuka wrote:

「私は考えていた。毎日会社ではたらきます。さらに悪いことは、私の家族がまだ貧しいですよ!」

(Hm, you had something else there before I hit "Quote")

Perhaps 毎日会社で一生懸命に働きます。
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RE: 日本語で書く練習

Postby Ongakuka » Sun 07.30.2006 2:53 pm

Perhaps 毎日会社で一生懸命に働きます。


Yes that gives it alot more depth. Thanks
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RE: 日本語で書く練習

Postby Oyaji » Sun 07.30.2006 10:19 pm

Late to the party, as always. ;) It's always hard to *correct* someone else's writing because of style and such, but it looks like lots of good suggestions have been made. I think most of the mistakes have been worked out, but there are a few things that have caught my attention.
「ここに会うのは意外だな」

To me 「ここ会うのは意外だな」sounds better.
「スミスさんが父さんと話したがります」

「スミスさんが父さんと話したいそうです」 sounds a little more natural to me. If you want to use したがる you might consider 「話したがっています」.
「そうだ。」

How about 「そうか」or maybe even just 「そう?」

「小さな部屋でしたが」

A polite form snuck in. 「小さな部屋だったが」 might fit better.
「たくさん宝飾があった」

「宝飾がたくさんあった」 sounds a little better to me (nitpicky)
「スミスがダイニングルームから来た」

Since Smith has already led Honda into the 居間, and then left the room, it might be better to say
「スミスがダイニングルームから戻って来た」
「お茶を飲まないんですか」とスミスは提案した」

Is he asking Honda if he would like some tea?
「「お茶を入れましょうか」とスミスが聞いた」 would be a common way to ask. Or, if the tea has been served, but Honda isn't drinking it,
「「お茶をどぞう」とスミスが勧めた」Is quite often said. (提案 seems a little too official in this setting)
「大丈夫です。なぜ私に話したいですか」

「結高ナす。なぜ私話したいですか」Sounds a little more natural to me.

These are all just suggestions to think about. I'm looking forward to seeing how this story unfolds.
Last edited by Oyaji on Sun 07.30.2006 10:21 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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RE: 日本語で書く練習

Postby Ongakuka » Mon 07.31.2006 3:04 am

Thankyou very much Oyajiさん! :) Unfortunately I'm leaving for London in 5 minutes and won't be able to edit in all your suggestions, I've read them all though and they make perfect sense to me (rather than me not understanding them and being left dubious, which hasn't really happened so far) but don't think I'm ignoring your advice! I'll be back in a few days.B)
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RE: 日本語で書く練習

Postby Oyaji » Mon 07.31.2006 5:03 am

How was London? :D

The more I think about, I think in the Japanese style, the conversation between Honda and Smith would be written something like this:
「久しぶりですね!本田先生。。」
「・・・・」
「お茶を入れましょうか」
「結高ナす。話したいことがあるそうですが、何でしょうか」
スミスは本田のそばに座った。

Just another possibility.
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RE: 日本語で書く練習

Postby Ongakuka » Tue 08.08.2006 5:27 am

How was London?


Great. Thanks!;)

「久しぶりですね!本田先生。。」
「・・・・」
「お茶を入れましょうか」
「結高ナす。話したいことがあるそうですが、何でしょうか」
スミスは本田のそばに座った。


That seems good and natural. But I don't understand why 本田先生 I mean, obviously I'm not thinking "teacher" but I was thinking that Honda and Smith were about the same age.. or is this not an age thing?
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