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Can someone proofread my midterm essay

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Can someone proofread my midterm essay

Postby kilometers » Wed 10.24.2007 11:30 am

We just finished lesson 3 of Genki and part of our midterm is writing two paragraphs about ourselves. We're getting graded on grammar and using the correct particles and such. I just want some experts to correct it so I can fix my errors and get a better grade.

Sorry about the lack of kanji. I only use kanji that I learned so far. Everything else is still in katakana and hiragana.

はじめまして!わたしのなまえはジェレミーブルベイカー。にじゅうにさいです。とうざだいがくいえんせいです。ナトマスからきました。せんもんはコンピュータです。そして、しごとはコンピュータテクニシャンです。わたしはアメリカじんです。ははとちちもアメリカじんです。ちちのおなまえはユジヌーブルベイカーです。わたしはえいがおはなします。ちょっとにほんごおはなします。

わたしは六時はんごろおきます。あまりあさごはんをおたべません。でも、どようびとにちよびにときどきあさごはんをたべます。七時はんにしごとへいきます。あさしごとでよくコーヒーをのみます。たいてい一時にひろごはんいきます。ときどきマクドナルドでハンバーガーをたべます。五時にうちへかえります。よくまいばんうちでビデオガムをします。でも、たいていまいばんうちでにほんごをべんきょうします。七時ごろばんごはんをたべます。げつようびとすいようびににほんごのクラスへいきます。
Last edited by kilometers on Wed 10.24.2007 11:30 am, edited 1 time in total.
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RE: Can someone proofread my midterm essay

Postby Ongakuka » Wed 10.24.2007 12:22 pm

get a better grade.

Chiefly, I would presume that to get a decent grade you ought to focus on making your sentences flow more, but perhaps that aspect has not yet been covered in your course.

にじゅうにさいです

You prove later on that you know your number Kanji. Why not use them here?

ちょっとにほんごおはなします。

That might sound better as "nihongo ga chotto dekimasu" or even better "nihongo ga chotto hanasemasu"

In general everything seems Ok, there are just too many full stops (or marus) ;)
Last edited by Ongakuka on Wed 10.24.2007 12:23 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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RE: Can someone proofread my midterm essay

Postby kilometers » Wed 10.24.2007 12:43 pm

Thanks for the feedback. I'll definitely use the number kanji everywhere when I write this out. I'm still not too used to typing Japanese on a keyboard and I forget to hit the spacebar to change the numbers to kanji. I'm sorry if they don't flow too well. We haven't really discussed that yet. During lesson 3 we focused on learning how to conjigate verbs and how to use them in sentences along with a few particles. I could make it flow better if I were typing up a conversation skit between two characters, but just talking about myself and my family I'm not so sure.

This is what she's grading us on:

Grammar/punctuation
spelling/penmanship
variety of appropriate vocab
written expression at apropriate level
completion of task effort
Last edited by kilometers on Wed 10.24.2007 12:45 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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RE: Can someone proofread my midterm essay

Postby richvh » Wed 10.24.2007 1:23 pm

とうざだいがくいえんせいです

Not quite sure what you're trying to say here, unless とうざ is the name of your college, and いえんせい was supposed to be にねんせい
ははとちちもアメリカじんです

ははもちちも would probably be better.
ちちのおなまえはユジヌーブルベイカーです

ちちのなまえ is probably better, since you're speaking of your in-group to the out-group.
わたしはえいがおはなします

You speak movies? <boggle> You meant えいごをはなします, of course.
あさしごとでよくコーヒーをのみます

あさは I think is better.
たいてい一時にひろごはんいきます

ひるごはんにいきます
よくまいばんうちでビデオガムをします

I don't think the よく belongs there (if you want it in that sentence, put it directly before します) ("Often every evening" doesn't flow well). ビデオゲーム
でも、たいていまいばんうちでにほんごをべんきょうします

Again, I don't think たいてい goes well with まいばん.
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RE: Can someone proofread my midterm essay

Postby kilometers » Wed 10.24.2007 2:20 pm

Not quite sure what you're trying to say here, unless とうざ is the name of your college, and いえんせい was supposed to be にねんせい


That was a typo on my part. I meant to say I'm a graduate student (daigakuinsei). I fixed it.


ははもちちも would probably be better.


Ok, noted. I used と because I though it meant "and" like My mother and father.

Thanks for your help! I applied some changes and fixes to it. If there aren't any other weird grammar mistakes I'll write it up and turn it in tonight.

はじめまして!わたしのなまえはジェレミー・ブルベイカーです。二藷?ウいです。だいがくいんせいです。ナトマスからきました。せんもんはコンピュータです。そして、しごとはコンピュータテクニシャンです。わたしはアメリカじんです。ははとちちもアメリカじんです。ちちのなまえはユジイン・ブルベイカーです。わたしはえいごをはなします。ちょっとにほんごをはなします。

わたしは六時はんごろおきます。あまりあさごはんをおたべません。でも、どようびとにちよびにときどきあさごはんをたべます。七時はんにしごとへいきます。あさはしごとでよくコーヒーをのみます。たいてい一時にひろごはんにいきます。ときどきマクドナルドでハンバーガーをたべます。五時にうちへかえります。まいばんうちでビデオゲームをよくします。でも、まいばんうちでにほんごをべんきょうします。七時ごろばんごはんをたべます。げつようびとすいようびににほんごのクラスへいきます。
Last edited by kilometers on Wed 10.24.2007 3:40 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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RE: Can someone proofread my midterm essay

Postby Yudan Taiteki » Wed 10.24.2007 2:53 pm

chichi to haha = My mother and father
chichi to haha mo = My mother and father [in addition to other people]
chichi mo haha mo = Both my mother and father

IMO "chichi to haha mo" is fine here because you just said you were American.

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What is the normal spelling for this? "nu" is hardly ever used in Japanese so I have a feeling there's a better way to transcribe this. Is it Eugene? If so, "yujiin" would probably be the best way.
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RE: Can someone proofread my midterm essay

Postby kilometers » Wed 10.24.2007 3:20 pm

Thanks for the clerification.

Yes, the name is Eugene. I'm still not too good at changing foreign words and names to katakana so I'll keep that in mind.
Last edited by kilometers on Wed 10.24.2007 3:20 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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RE: Can someone proofread my midterm essay

Postby Wakannai » Thu 10.25.2007 1:48 am

The main thing to keep in mind is to katakanize it based on the pronunciation not the spelling.
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RE: Can someone proofread my midterm essay

Postby NocturnalOcean » Thu 10.25.2007 2:06 am

kilometers wrote:
I just want some experts to correct it so I can fix my errors and get a better grade.


Isn't this called cheating? Won't the teacher notice that you might have gotten external help?
I think it is better to write it your own way and then deliver it, get it corrected by the teacher, then if you want some more input, you can post it here.

You said you are university student, and thus you should not cheat yourself just to get a better grade.
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RE: Can someone proofread my midterm essay

Postby hungryhotei » Thu 10.25.2007 3:30 am

NocturnalOcean wrote:
kilometers wrote:
I just want some experts to correct it so I can fix my errors and get a better grade.


Isn't this called cheating? Won't the teacher notice that you might have gotten external help?
I think it is better to write it your own way and then deliver it, get it corrected by the teacher, then if you want some more input, you can post it here.

You said you are university student, and thus you should not cheat yourself just to get a better grade.


I'm actually surprised that so many people were helping out with this.
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RE: Can someone proofread my midterm essay

Postby Yudan Taiteki » Thu 10.25.2007 7:00 am

The homework thing is the reason I haven't posted detailed comments about the whole thing. I don't know whether it's "cheating" or not -- it depends on what the class policies are. He isn't asking us to write the whole thing for him, but it still is problematic.
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RE: Can someone proofread my midterm essay

Postby kilometers » Thu 10.25.2007 12:01 pm

She told us to let other students proofread and correct our work. That's why it was a take home essay that we had 3 or 4 days to work on. If she didn't want that then she probably would have made us write this during the actual midterm. I wouldn't call it cheating unless you guys wrote it for me and I used particles or words in later chatpers that we haven't even learned yet.

Honestly, if you guys rewrote my sentences I wouldn't use them. All I wanted was someone to proofread what a wrote and tell me if something sounded wrong, if I misplaced any words, or if there was something that should be worded better. That way my final draft would look cleaner and I could get a better grade on it. I don't consider any of that cheating.

I got the exact type of help I wanted and I fixed a few things and turned it in. I appreciate the help. Thank you.
Last edited by kilometers on Thu 10.25.2007 12:51 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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RE: Can someone proofread my midterm essay

Postby Kisshu » Thu 10.25.2007 1:55 pm

Ongakuka wrote:
get a better grade.

Chiefly, I would presume that to get a decent grade you ought to focus on making your sentences flow more, but perhaps that aspect has not yet been covered in your course.

にじゅうにさいです

You prove later on that you know your number Kanji. Why not use them here?

ちょっとにほんごおはなします。

That might sound better as "nihongo ga chotto dekimasu" or even better "nihongo ga chotto hanasemasu"

In general everything seems Ok, there are just too many full stops (or marus) ;)


You don't learn "dekimasu' until like the 13th lesson in Genki... so they haven't learned it yet. Actually, the number kanji is the only kanji they have learned at this point. and maybe "ji" or something (I'm on a school computer so I can't type in Japanese...)
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RE: Can someone proofread my midterm essay

Postby Ongakuka » Thu 10.25.2007 2:47 pm

You don't learn "dekimasu' until like the 13th lesson in Genki...


Huh? It's just a verb. The sooner you know this stuff the better.
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RE: Can someone proofread my midterm essay

Postby NocturnalOcean » Thu 10.25.2007 3:20 pm

Well, you could say it is just a verb. But in fact it is the potential form of suru. And I believe potential forms are learnt in lesson 13 then(?).
And what is important to remember that dekiru takes ga. Using wo is highly substandard.
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