Koe - Song Translation

[Gan]

I tried to write a song that is in both Japanese and english, but I'm wondering about how much of it is gramatically correct. What I'm asking for is a revision on the translation and a bit of help, any input or critism is appreciated. Thank you for reading and heling in advance.

今　雨ように　花は静かに落ちって
君を始めて会ったを思い浮かべって
a bright light in my town of blue

ちょっと心を開ける見たい
Maybe then I can face what's before me
全部恐れを消したい
花は静かに落ちってを見て

夜が日になったを見えた
でも素読が消えない、だから
遠めいになったみた
暗闇に、意味を捜す

What if there is no meaning?
Ideas spread randomly throughout a garden
to be picked like flowers before they wilt
each one a different answer
自分を呼び上げたい
淡い声に衙が
届かない何時でもを消えたい

夜が日になったを見えた
でも素読が消えない、だから
遠めいになったみた
暗闇に、強固を捜す

僕を忘れない、Kristine
闇に
君をよぶよ
闇に光よ

--
ima ame you ni hana ha shizuka ni ochitte
kimi o hajimete o omoiukabette
a bright light in my town of blue

Chotto kokoro o akeru mitai
Maybe then I can face what's before me
zenbu osore o keshitai
hana wa shizuka ni ochitte o mite

Yoru ga hi ni natta o mieta
demo sodoku ga kienai dakara
toomei ni natta mita
kurayami ni, imi o sagasu

What if there is no meaning?
Ideas spread randomly throughout a garden
to be picked like flowers before they wilt
each one a different answer
jibun wo yobiagetai;
awai koe ni ga -
todokanai itsudemo wo kietai

Yoru ga hi ni natta o mieta
demo sodoku ga kienai dakara
toomei ni natta mita
kurayami ni, kyouko o sagasu

boku o wasurenai, Kristine!
Yami ni
Kimi o yoku yo
yami ni hikari yo
------------------------------
Now petals fall silently like rain
it reminds me of when I first met you
a bright light in my town of blue

Want to try to open up my heart a little
Maybe then I can face what's before me
Want to erase all the fear
Watching the petals fall silently

Saw the night become day
but the loneliness did not fade
so it seems that I've become transparent
I'll search for meaning in this darkness

What if there is no meaning?
Ideas spread randomly throughout a garden
to be picked like flowers before they wilt
each one a different answer
I want to call out to myself;
to disappear in a faint voice
that's always out of reach

Saw the night become day
but the loneliness did not fade
so it seems that I've become transparent
I'll search for strength in this darkness

Don't forget me, Kristine!
In this darkness
I'm calling you
The light in my darkness
-----------------

- Jesse

[kurisuto]

Here are my corrections for the first two paragraphs (excuse me in advance if my comments seem a bit formal, but hey, I don't know how to make grammar sound light) :

今雨のように花びらが落ちていて

First, "hana" is flower ; petals is "hanabira". "You ni" requires "no" when used with nouns. The difference "ha/ga" is difficult to grasp, but in this instance, "ga" is more appropriate. You got your -te form wrong (ochiru is an ichidan/ru-/second group/irregular verb depending on what you call it : -te immediately follows the ren'you kei/masu-stem), and since the petals are currently falling, you have to use the continuative form.

君に初めて会ったのを思い浮かべて

"ni au", not "wo au", which is grammatically incorrect. You used the wrong kanji (you used "to begin", which is different from "the first time"). You have to use "no" after the verb in order to nominalise it (though I think "toki" would be better, because it's "when (we) first met"). Note that "omoiukaberu" doesn't simply mean "remind", it's really visualising the scene, or at least it has this connotation of a conscious action, not really as in when something makes you think of something else. Again, you used the wrong -te form (omoiukaberu is an ichidan).

ちょっと心を開けてみたい

"Miru", in the "want to do verb to see what it's like/the consequences" follows the -te form. And since "miru" is used as an auxiliary verb, we write it in kana.

全ての恐れを消したい (it reads "subete no...")

I'm not sure, but I think "subete" is more appropriate in this context. However, should you use "zenbu", you would have to add "no" as well (zenbu no osore).

静かに落ちている花びらを見る

The relative clause fits better in here I think. Now, what does your sentence mean : you want to erase all your fears while watching the petals fall ? I don't know how to say it in a grammatically correct way in Japanese, because while watching the petals is an action, wanting to do something is not (and the only grammatical ways of expressing this simultaneousness that I know require two "real" actions). So my sentence means in fact "watch the petals that are falling".

That's it !