English Haiku to Japanese Attempt - Advice/Review Please?

[celticflower]

Hello,

I wrote a Haiku in English and decided I’d have a go at translating it into Japanese using my dictionary, JWPce software, the internet and Google Translate. It was all in fun until my head exploded I shouldn’t be doing this as it’s way above my skill level, but I really wanted to try!

I wasn’t sure about the use of particles in such a short pieces, but the real trouble with was with 'existence + irregular verb suru' and trying to turn it into the correct negative. I used existence/doesn’t exist anymore as it was something similar to ‘long gone’, but I think it fits. Bitter, as in the emotion was another difficult one, hopefully the context is correct.

I'm not trying to make it a Japanese Haiku - heaven forbid! I’m just trying a translation, though I may put it on my website with an epic ramble later, because I have one, I’m just trying not to post it here!

If you have time and feel like making a quick comment (in English please) I’d appreciate any advice or suggestions - is the translation a complete disaster?

The quiet corner,
echoes of laughter long gone.
Bitter in the sun.

(Trying to evoke feelings of loss, grief and the season of winter).

隅は静か、
木霊の笑い声はもはや存在しません。
太陽で 感情 の 苦い。

sumi wa shizuka,
kodama no waraigoe wa sonzai mohaya shimasen.
taiyō de kanjō no nigai.


Edit (2nd line alternative):
笑い声のエコーはもはや存在しません。
わらいごえ の エコー は もはや そんざい しません。
waraigoe no ekou wa mohaya sonzai shimasen.


From JWPCe software:

隅 【すみ】 (n,n-suf) corner, nook, (P)
静か 【しずか】 (adj-na) quiet, peaceful, (P)
木霊 【こだま】 (n,vs) (1) echo, (2) the spirit of a tree
笑い声 【わらいごえ】 (n) laughter, (P)
存在 【そんざい】 (n,vs) existence, being, (P)
最早 【もはや】 (adv) already, now, (P) (listed as 'anymore' on Google)
感情 【かんじょう】 sentiment, (P) (emotions in my dictionary)
苦い 【にがい】 (adj) bitter, (P)


Thanks for your time

Talk to you later,

Clare