The teacher brings in an old pen that Franklin Delano Roosevelt used during his Presidency
The teacher brings in an old pen Franklin Delano Roosevelt used during his Presidency
are equally natural. It's a stylistic thing and has nothing to do with concision.
Second post edited.
While I see your point, I apparently failed to illustrate mine fully so I'll try again.
Yes both sentences are natural. That was my original statement. Both sentences are correct, but the first can be improved. Yes it is a stylistic thing, which is why I titled this thread, "Advanced Writing Concepts." Advanced Writing isn't about fixing errors, it's about improving style. However, to say, "it has nothing to do with concision" is to ignore the definition of the word "concise".
1. I have found that, "that" can almost always be omitted when used as a conjunction or an adverb. (18 words)
2. Omit the adverb or conjunction: "that." (6 words)
The problem is that these mean two different things; one is not a simple replacement of the other.
The point of that example was to show how a sentence could be reduced in the editing process by clarifying one's true intent.
Still, I should have specified this in some way, I'll have to fix that later.
I have the "Dictionary of Concise Writing." on my desk. I don't refer to it very often, because one only needs to read so many examples before the message becomes clear.
random examples from the book:
the act of > delete
"The act of making sketches and writing statements about the problem helps to get the designer off dead center." >>> "Making sketches and writing statements about the problem helps to get the designer off dead center."
feel inside > feel
close down > close
for all intents and purposes > effectively; essentially; in effect; in essence; pratically; virtually.
for your information > delete.
I'm curious why > Why
I mean > delete
qualified expert > expert
put in alphabetical order > alphabetize
and so on.
After reading enough examples and it becomes clear how often words can be deleted without changing the meaning of a sentence in any way.