Premonition

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I was suggested to do something easy by AJBryant, so I picked a short poem by Robert Service called Premonition. I'm just trying to get the translation down ... not rhythm, nor poetics, just translation. I understand the poetics in english, so I know exactly what it means (That's why I picked him). Please feel free to correct me and tell me why my Japanese isn't being conveyed properly.

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一年前にでして、月が明くるかった。
「ああ、私はよく思い出した。」
私の彼女で明るい海に歩きました、
彼女の声が鈴の銀でした。

早速、月がにわかに霞みました。
早速、私の彼女が天べ飛びました。
頭蓋骨がにこいこしていましたのを見ました。
凄いそれを心に難しく入れました。


夢が嫌かったです。私の彼女は、
彼女の明るかった目で私の手に寝ていました。
私が静かだったと、私が彼女にキスしたと、
私の唇が寒かったと、考えました。

一年経ちました、月が明くるい。
丸い月は痛い幽霊に似ています。
今晩、私は新しい墓そばに座ります。
失恋します。これは変よね？

-----English-----

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‘Twas a year ago and the moon was bright
   (Oh, I remember so well, so well);
I walked with my love in a sea of light,
   And voice of my sweet was a silver bell.

And sudden the moon grew strangely dull,
   And sudden my love had taken wing;
I looked on the face of a grinning skull,
   I stained to my heart a ghastly thing.


‘Twas but fantasy, for my love lay still,
   In my arms, with her tender eyes aglow,
And she wondered why my lips were chill,
   Why I was silent and kissed her so.

A year has gone and the moon is bright,
   A gibbous moon like a ghost woe;
I sit by a new-made grave to-night,
   And my heart is broken – it’s strange, you know.

[AJBryant]

This is the kind of thing I mean: Aruku takes "wo" not "ni" ("umi WO aruita"); things you do with people take "to" ("kanojo/koibito TO...aruita"); Silver bell is "gin no tsuzu" not "tsuzu no gin".

Those kind of basic mistakes REALLY should not be appearing in something like this. You really need to follow a structured language study rather than try to translate random things without the basics down first.

Sorry, I *know* how strong that translation urge is, but you REALLY need to get a grounding in the grammar FIRST -- then we can address appropriateness of the chosen vocabulary, for example.

Tony

[richvh]

Plus, it's much harder to translate to a foreign language you are just learning, than from prepared material in that language, and poems and songs are harder to translate than prose, period. If you must tickle the translation urge at this stage, pick (say) something from here or here.