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Not living in Japan, but America

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RE: Not living in Japan, but America

Postby Ken Pro » Sat 01.05.2008 4:53 pm

Seant018 wrote:
I have been dating a Japanese girl for over a year now but in December she graduated from the university we both go to, so she has to go back to Japan.

I just don't know if she is willing to get married so soon.

My question is, if we do get married, does she lose or Japanese citizenship if she wants to stay in America for a few years while she works?


You're asking the wrong question.

Here are some questions to ask yourself:

"Why would I marry someone I've only known for a year?"

"Is she willing to marry me? Why?"

"Do we understand the concept of marriage?"

"What's more important to me.....my life six months from now, or my life six years from now?"

And I've got a question for you: have you ever met anyone in her family or experienced first-hand what her life was like before moving to America? I'm not saying you shouldn't trust her, but I'm curious if all you know about her life in Japan is based upon what she tells you.
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RE: Not living in Japan, but America

Postby Seant018 » Sat 01.05.2008 10:22 pm

Mike Cash wrote:
My arrogance consists of pointing out your failing to see the immaturity of logic which boils down to, "Gosh, we'd better get married now because if we're apart for a whole year it's so hard to remain in love and we might not get married at all then." Unlike you, I have no emotional investment in your relationship and therefore have the benefit of something proximity denies to you.....objectivity.

If the end result of a year's separation is that you would drift apart to the point that the relationship would either end or cool to the point that marriage is no longer likely, then what does that say about the strength of the connection being strong enough upon which to base a marriage NOW?

See?

And for what it's worth, I've been involved in a marriage resulting from eerily similar circumstances to your own. Coming up on our 22nd anniversary about a week from now. And in all frankness and candor if I had had the good sense God gave a grapefruit back then and had the benefit of the wisdom that all too often only comes with hindsight, I never would have done it.

You don't know.....can't possibly know.....1/10 of what you're letting yourself in for. And you're doing it on a shaky foundation to boot.


I don't want to stoop to your level, but I would really appreciate if you stop posting in my topic. You bring nothing but arrogance and rudeness to my topic. I said that marriage was a possibility, I never said it was what was required to keep my relationship. Also note this, it takes 12-18 months for a green card to be processed, how is that bringing her to me any sooner?

I was just covering the basis of what might be required in the near future.

You know what? I said we are both scared of it failing due to a 15 hour time difference. We would be fools not to fear that. I have had a lot of time this week to talk with her about where we are going from here and I feel pretty confident about it now, but not a lick of that confidence is due to your post, and from what I have seen throughout the forum, you are just a grouchy jerk who spends more time looking down his nose at people compared to helping them.

If you are in such a similar situation, we might think you would be willing to help with useful advice, but instead you tell me how immature my thought process is and how destined I am to fail.

Let me tell you something you haven't noticed yet. I have given ONE HUNDREDTH of the conversation my girlfriend and I have shared. I am asking one particular interest we both have had in pursuing our future. We have talked extensively about her permanently living here, temporarily living here, or switching places and me being in Japan in similar situations.

If you seriously want to keep being a jerk in my topic, I will just explain where each thought comes from so you don't have to be so arrogant as to tell me exactly how my relationship will fail.

I see where you guys are coming from, and I know I phrased it in a poor way to make it look like im throwing all my cards in (I think that is the expression) but this isn't the case. From this point out, instead of pointing out the eminent failure of my relationship, why don't you ask me why I am pursuing a certain course of action.

For the records, we have both decided on working in our separate countries until we meet again, which will be in May, where I will spend a month in Japan, then I will possibly go back to Japan in August after my summer courses, depending on how much money I have saved.

She has also planned on coming to America whenever she gets a chance so it is not just be trying to hold up the whole relationship.

In conclusion, try to keep your useless posts out of my topic Mike if what you want to post is 9/10 arrogance and 1/10 "I-don't-care attitude".

If, however you can somehow muster up a post that actually has useful information, please, I always respect someone who offers advice.

edit for a few other replies

keatonatron, thanks for your post, we have talked about a lot of what you have said, and in the end that has been what we have settled on :) We just wanted to explore the possibilities of seeing about her working in America for a few years because she does want to continue learning English.

I never meant for the general idea to be that I was only wanting to get married to get her to America, in fact that is FAR from the truth, I often make my posts seem a little misleading on message boards.

and Ken, we have talked about most of the questions you have asked, and we have been talking very seriously about marriage and our future. Yes, we saw this coming but I know I was a little stupid in what I did. I tried to block the thought of her leaving, so I never talked with her about the time inbetween when we meet up again, but now that we have spent more time talking in depth about this, I feel a lot more comfortable about our future.

While I haven't met her family, I will in May. I haven't talked with her parents, but I have talked briefly with her brother, and they all seem to like what their daughter/sister has said about me. Her mom seems pleased with the thought of me and always asks about me and talks with her about me, so I guess that is the best I can ask for without ever having met or talked with her.

edit one more time
Ken if you want, I can answer those questions for you :) Otherwise I will try not get far from the main idea of what I was writing haha. But anyways, we have both talked about this and we have both decided our course of action.
Last edited by Seant018 on Sat 01.05.2008 10:33 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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RE: Not living in Japan, but America

Postby AJBryant » Sat 01.05.2008 10:30 pm

Sean, it's not YOUR topic. You started it, but this is a public forum.

Whether you like it or not, Mike is both a voice of reason and experience. He's been married and living in Japan for over 20 years. He knows this stuff.

If it fails due to a simple time difference, all the better that it do so NOW rather than after you're married and have some kids. You have lots of options, but you're letting *FEAR* override the thinking process.

Why not LET her go back to Japan, and you go visit HER for a while. You can always get a fiancee visa and bring her back *if* you two decide to marry and settle in the States. OTOH, she might realize she wants to stay in Japan (it's one thing to think for her to think she wants to stay here while here, it's another to think so after going back home). If she wants to stay in Japan, you both will have a decision to make.

But make it in leisure, not in haste.

Tony
Last edited by AJBryant on Sat 01.05.2008 10:34 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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RE: Not living in Japan, but America

Postby Seant018 » Sat 01.05.2008 10:39 pm

See Tony, that is what I have been saying, and I have lurked around these forums for a while so I have seen Mikes posts, I know he is quite a voice in this community, but his posts often come off as rude and arrogant in response instead of simply helping.

I neglected to include most of the points of our conversation, so of course it makes it look like this is all in haste. It is my fault for leaving out a lot of the conversation we have had but it wasn't necessary for the questions we had.

My bad wording doesn't help either but that is beside that point that Mike is overly rude in most of the responses he makes on this website. Knowledge or not, arrogance and rude responses are just not necessary, sorry if I am stepping on toes here.

As a final note, of course I voiced my fear of the problems that can arise from the distance apart, but this is a legitimate fear for anyone who has a long distance relationship. I don't feel like my relationship will fall apart due to this, I just have to know that this is a possibility, no matter how strong we are.

edit
Sorry, once again, for making it seem like I was asking about marrying to keep her by my side till I graduate, that is not the reason. We didn't want to get married and then spend this time apart, but if we knew we would be living together we would gladly choose to marry, plus we weren't exactly sure how marriage affects citizenship status and everything, but that has been answered now

We have dated for I guess a year and a half and this is a reasonable time to understand whether it is possible or not for us to marry. Which I think it is, we just want to wait for the time when we live together again.
Last edited by Seant018 on Sat 01.05.2008 10:45 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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RE: Not living in Japan, but America

Postby Seant018 » Sat 01.05.2008 10:59 pm

Sorry, I want to apologize. I feel that I am coming off the wrong way, I don't want to seem like a jerk or anything. I am grateful for every piece of advice I have been offered in this thread, I just feel like I can't give the exact situation I am in, and the pieces I do give are painting a picture which is easily misconstrued.

Thanks for all the advice, even from you Mike, I appreciate it.
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RE: Not living in Japan, but America

Postby Ken Pro » Sun 01.06.2008 4:22 am

Seant018 wrote:

While I haven't met her family, I will in May. I haven't talked with her parents, but I have talked briefly with her brother, and they all seem to like what their daughter/sister has said about me. Her mom seems pleased with the thought of me and always asks about me and talks with her about me, so I guess that is the best I can ask for without ever having met or talked with her.


Good stuff, and as you say you'll be seeing them in May. One step at a time.

And don't let the cranks get you down. If she is that important to you, then of course you are vulnerable. A lot of people are uncomfortable with that level of trust. They assume if the partner isn't right there, under some control, someone BETTER will come along and snatch the person; or that'll you'll just get dumped long-distance. The advice from those sorts of people would be to hedge every bet, protect yourself at all cost, and prepare for the worst. And who knows, that might be good advice. Maybe you are making a mistake by hanging onto the relationship. But even so, it's the sort of mistake everyone needs to make now and then. Better to make that mistake than to not even try. And if it's the right decision, well, you're a lucky man. And a brave one. Just make sure you wear a condom. Always. B)
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RE: Not living in Japan, but America

Postby Dehitay » Sun 01.06.2008 4:41 am

Ken's post was running rather smooth till the end where I bursted out laughing. While minorly relevant, it was so random that the whole post seems rather school yard rhetoric now.
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