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Chapter 11

Translations of chapters from the story by our own richvh

Chapter 11

Postby katafei » Thu 01.31.2008 8:48 am

It was shorter, but there were still some tricky sentences.
Here's my attempt:

Chapter 11

Attack of the Ninja

Meanwhile, a profoundly jealous tea merchant met up with the Ninja. ‘That outsider of a tea ceremony artist is robbing clients. I want you to get rid of her for me,’ he said.

The chief of the Ninja asked; ‘Right. How would you like it done?’

The tea merchant answered: ‘I don’t care how you do it,’ and left.

The chief asked his right-hand man: ‘Do you know anything about this tea ceremony artist?’

The right-hand man answered: ‘A few weeks ago, she came to this village. She works in the onsen. Every night she visits the castle. It seems the young lord has taken a shine to that girl. Apparently she’s the daughter of the former Daimyo of the neighboring land.’

‘Interesting. I wonder if the current Daimyo will also interested in the girl. Okay, get her over here right now and send a messenger to the Daimyo,’ the chief said.

‘Sure, boss, I’ll follow your orders,’ the right-hand man said, and took off.

That evening, when Yuki was on her way back to the onsen, the Ninja swiftly surrounded her, gagged her and tied up her hands and feet. In the midst of the struggle, the hair bracelet got torn and fell to the ground.

The right-hand man took Yuki, tight-up hands and feet, to his boss. ‘This girl is the tea ceremony artist,’ he said.

The chief said: ‘I see. She looks very young. I wonder if she’s really that good. I would like to watch her prepare hot water for tea. Take off the straps.’

As soon as she was un-gagged, Yuki shouted: ‘help, help, help.’ But the fox’s hair wasn’t there and so nothing happened.

‘In this neighborhood, you can shout all you want, nobody’s going to help you,’ the chief said. ‘Now go an make me some tea.’

And so Yuki made the tea. When she was finished, the chief said: ‘You really are skilful. If the Daimyo isn’t interested, I might just turn you into a geisha.’

‘That is too cruel,’ Yuki said.

‘Take this girl to a cell, we’ll keep her locked up here.’ The chief said.

After she was locked up in a cell, Yuki cried herself to sleep.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

一方、ある妬み深い茶屋が忍者らに会いました。

I couldn't quite understand the grammar of this passage. In the English 深い turned into an adjective, whereas 妬み turned into an adverb. So I'm not sure if the translation is correct.

隣にあった国の前大名の娘かも知れないそうだ

This あった confused me. At first I thought maybe the neighbouring prefecture (not sure what would be the right word) was no longer existing as a seperate prefecture (because of the past tense of あった), but that doesn't rhyme with the following passage....
Last edited by katafei on Thu 01.31.2008 9:19 am, edited 1 time in total.
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RE: Chapter 11

Postby richvh » Thu 01.31.2008 9:33 am

This chapter hasn't been as some of the earlier ones, but at the very least it had a grammar check.

katafei wrote:

一方、ある妬み深い茶屋が忍者らに会いました。

I couldn't quite understand the grammar of this passage. In the English 深い turned into an adjective, whereas 妬み turned into an adverb. So I'm not sure if the translation is correct.

This is a case of "null particle" usage; think of it as being equivalent to 妬みが深い.

隣にあった国の前大名の娘かも知れないそうだ

This あった confused me. At first I thought maybe the neighbouring prefecture (not sure what would be the right word) was no longer existing as a seperate prefecture (because of the past tense of あった), but that doesn't rhyme with the following passage....

Stative verbs used adnominally are often in the past tense.
Last edited by richvh on Thu 01.31.2008 8:29 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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RE: Chapter 11

Postby katafei » Thu 01.31.2008 7:58 pm

Okay, thanks.

I was tempted to translate
この付近では、い呼んでも
with:
'in this hood, you can shout all you want...'
But I wasn't sure you'd appreciate that ^_^

was
娘をここに今から連れてきて
translated correctly? The 今から gave me some trouble....
as did the 者らに in
一方、ある妬み深い茶屋が忍者らに会いました
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RE: Chapter 11

Postby richvh » Thu 01.31.2008 8:36 pm

The ら in 忍者ら is just a pluralizing suffix.

I don't see any problems with your translation of either passage. I think I was aiming for "right away" with 今から
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Re: Chapter 11

Postby v_mari » Tue 02.03.2009 12:29 pm

Hello Richard-san ^^

I'm Japanese learning English.
As I found two small errors in the chapter 11, please allow me correct them.

この娘の茶の湯を見てみたい。束縛を解いて」と言いました。

この娘の茶の湯を見てみたい。束縛を解け*」と言いました。

猿轡が外させてから、「助けて助けて助けて」とゆきは叫びましたが

猿轡を*外させてから、「助けて助けて助けて」とゆきは叫びましたが
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Re: Chapter 11

Postby richvh » Tue 02.03.2009 12:58 pm

v_mariさん、TJPへようこそ。添削をしてくださってありがとうございます。

「束縛を解いて」は文法の間違いというよりむしろ、丁寧さの間違いだけでしょうね。この章はもう朗読が録音されたので、そんな短かい間違いを訂正することが兼ねます。

「猿轡が外させてから」について、朗読者は「猿轡が外させてから」と読んだと思いますが、聞き取りには自信がありません。それを確認してくださると、そのように書き直します。

「ゆきの物語」の添削を応援したかったら場合、lang-8という言語勉強のためのサイトを登録し、私の日記で公開している章を添削してください。

これからもよろしくお願いします。
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Re: Chapter 11

Postby v_mari » Tue 02.03.2009 1:52 pm

richvh-san,
I'm new here and while chatting with other members, I was asked to correct errors by them.
Although one of them gave me a link to lang-8, I posted my corrections here since I'm not a member of lang-8 yet.
Next time I will. Sorry for that.
And I didn't know that the audio existed. I thought you wrote that story. Sorry for this, too.

Anyway I listened to the audio.

「束縛を解いて」
The audio exactly said so. I don't think 長 should say in such polite way, however, it is just what she read.

「猿轡が外させてから」
The audio said 猿轡が外され*てから, so it makes sence now.

This is my last posting here.
Next time I will comment to lang-8.
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Re: Chapter 11

Postby richvh » Tue 02.03.2009 1:58 pm

I did write the story, but Yumi, the wife of Clay (our gracious host) has recorded the first 18 chapters from "final" versions of the chapters I provided them. I really don't want to trouble her more than necessary, so unless there's a major error, I don't want to change the text from what she read, to avoid confusion on the part of the reader/listener.
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