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Ko no Kiba Chapter 1

Feel free to practice writing in Japanese or romaji. Help each other out with corrections or replying back in Japanese

RE: Ko no Kiba Chapter 1

Postby two_heads_talking » Sat 02.09.2008 10:34 am

(quote)鉄夜は(アル)バイト(先)から家に帰る途中でした。would be also fine. (quote) Thanks coco-san, this was the type of sentence I was going to suggest. tochuu or tokoro are very commonly used for in the middle of or while doing.. (at least I think I am describing it correctly.. sheesh it's been a long time)
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RE: Ko no Kiba Chapter 1

Postby Dehitay » Mon 02.11.2008 12:45 am

Dang, I didn't realize this many replies had piled up. Now I have a lot more corrections to go back and work on. Not to mention I thought I finished chapter 2 but I'm sure some of the things coco said applies to that draft as well. Thanks for the corrections.
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RE: Ko no Kiba Chapter 1

Postby coco » Tue 02.12.2008 12:04 am

A few more comments and corrections.

おじょうちゃん is nothing wrong, but I think people over 50's tend to use this.
People around your age generally don't use おじょうちゃん/ぼっちゃん, at least in this context.
「どうして泣いてんの? お母さんは?」
「どうしたの? お母さんは?」
are commonly used, I think.

In this case, ぼく( or even おれ) is natural.
(If 鉄夜 is Japanese, I think he haven't mentioned his name yet in this situation. This might be difference of culture/ habit. Either way, to know the girl's name at this stage is convenient for us to read the story.)


「どこで最後にお父さんとお母さんを見たの?」 might be "Where did you last see your parents?". 「いつまでお母さんといっしょにいたの?」 might be natural.
You can't use はず in this line. はず is used when you mention your (corollary?) expectation that is led to an objective reason.
Grammatically, べき can be used in this context, like
However べき might be too strong in this context.  
See this thread and Shin1ro-san's post.
might be a natural conversation.(Depends on 鉄夜's character, though.)

This is grammatically correct (even がorを was omitted), but it commonly indicates "What do you want to play?" rather than "What do you want to do?" 「じゃ、どうしたいの?」would be more natural, I think.


知るか is hardly used in this context. どうやって帰るのか知ってのか would be used, though it has a gruff tone. 

It seems to me that this sentence was made by E-J translation software.
ついていく would be the verb instead of 従う.

あなたがどこへ行こうとも、わたしはついていきます。 [T]
Wherever you go, I will follow you.−WWWJDIC

might be more natural.


This is a correct usage. :)
鍵がかかっていませんでした is more common in a daily conversation. 


In this phras, 鉄夜は is used.
I think 入りましたが is better than 入ったけど since this is a narration.
If I'm not wrong, it is 鉄夜 that said バイバイ, and I have one question. What was 鉄夜 waiting for? Was he waiting a chance to say good-bye?

If this is something like "You may come in", then 入ってもいい is used.


「いや、いいよ。もう帰るから。それじゃバイバイ」might make this conversation more clear.

This is understandable, but いつ帰ってくるの? would be better. Adding の (as an ending particle) makes a tone of your question much softer. This の is widely used especially when you are talking to a kid.
There are men who prefer using だい/かい instead of の, though. 


「ここに住んでいるのは、あたしだけ」might be more natural.

を is needed after 扉.

This sentence is grammatically perfect.
I was just wondering if it's common that 11 years old girl ( considered 147cm±8cm tall, if 赤美 is Japanese) put her hand on someone's (over 170 cm?) shoulder.

I suppose this is Tetsuya's reply, but I couldn't get this meaning.

If 牙 is a someone's name, 出し抜けに鉄夜の首を刺しました makes perfect sense.    

If you wanted to know only grammatical errors, I apologize for talking too much.
お役に立てたなら、なによりです。 :)

Last edited by coco on Tue 02.12.2008 10:46 am, edited 1 time in total.
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RE: Ko no Kiba Chapter 1

Postby Hatori » Tue 02.12.2008 12:25 am

I have a quick n00b-ish question that I'm not entirely sure of:
Are the brackets below quotation marks in Japanese writing?
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RE: Ko no Kiba Chapter 1

Postby richvh » Tue 02.12.2008 7:19 am

Yes, they are.
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Re: Ko no Kiba Chapter 1

Postby bamboo4 » Sun 03.09.2008 2:32 am

Dehitay, why don't you take all of the above suggestions and rewite the story one more time so that everybody can read it afresh and provide suggestions, if needed?
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Re: Ko no Kiba Chapter 1

Postby hellfirebg » Sun 03.09.2008 6:11 am

面白かった。Looking forward to the next chapters :) .
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Re: Ko no Kiba Chapter 1

Postby clay » Sun 03.09.2008 8:18 am

Dehitay, good job. I haven't read chs 2 and 3 yet, but I'm already looking forward to what happens to the vampiress.

Another idea would be to start a group to discuss it. I'm not sure which would be better--forum or group--or both! I think once the forum is themed, it will be easier since there will be global site links and the groups will be shown in a column even here.
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