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Yet another correction :D

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Yet another correction :D

Postby kentaku_sama » Sun 07.12.2009 1:25 am

約束を守りなければなりません。  I must keep my promise.

僕はピアノを弾けのがですが、ギターもです。 だが、 全部楽器をしていません。 I play a piano. I play guitar also but I cannot play all instruments.

この子供の頭を痛い、 たぶん泣きます。 That child head hurts, he'll probably cry.

桜さんは一週間に四回2キロを走ります。  空手もします、 元気です。 Sakura runs 4 kilometers every week. she also does karate. It makes her healthy.

かれのリポートに文法はだめなですが。 林先生は厳しいのにキリストさんはも一回書きなければなりません。 His report was bad and since hayashi sensei is so strict he'll probably make him write it again.

犬宅と申します、 たつけていますか? I'm kentaku can I help you?

俺は弁護士が鳴りました、 ありませんのに。 今、お茶広告を作っていますのが金をくれますもうけなさい。 
I wanted to be a lawyer but that didn't turn out so well. Now I'm currently making black tea ads to make a living.   


I will do more later please point any mistakes. :D
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Re: Yet another correction :D

Postby Sairana » Sun 07.12.2009 9:57 am

kentaku_sama wrote:犬宅と申します、 たつけていますか? I'm kentaku can I help you?


I can't help with most of it, but this one I have a comment on. ^_^

たつけて should be たすけて, but I think maybe 手伝う would be better here. I always thought たすける was more of a 'rescue' kind of help.
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Re: Yet another correction :D

Postby Yudan Taiteki » Sun 07.12.2009 10:31 am

kentaku_sama wrote:約束を守りなければなりません。  I must keep my promise.


The conjugation is wrong here; go back and check the grammar for なければなりません again.

僕はピアノを弾けのがですが、ギターもです。 だが、 全部楽器をしていません。 I play a piano. I play guitar also but I cannot play all instruments.


~ている does not mean "can" (you also did this later).
Since "I play piano" is just ピアノを弾く, I'm not sure what you were going for with 弾けのがです, which has several grammatical problems.

この子供の頭を痛い、 たぶん泣きます。 That child head hurts, he'll probably cry.


That comma should be a period since it's two separate sentences. この does not mean "that".

桜さんは一週間に四回2キロを走ります。  空手もします、 元気です。 Sakura runs 4 kilometers every week. she also does karate. It makes her healthy.


Once again, don't put commas after complete sentences.

かれのリポートに文法はだめなですが。 林先生は厳しいのにキリストさんはも一回書きなければなりません。 His report was bad and since hayashi sensei is so strict he'll probably make him write it again.


Read about のに again; in both this sentence and the next one you got the wrong meaning for it. I'm not sure what だめなですが is supposed to express.

俺は弁護士が鳴りました、 ありませんのに。 今、お茶広告を作っていますのが金をくれますもうけなさい。 
I wanted to be a lawyer but that didn't turn out so well. Now I'm currently making black tea ads to make a living.   


This has a lot of problems; you might try rewriting it in a simpler form.

I don't really like this method of writing random sentences and getting correction; if you're trying to cope with too many unfamiliar grammatical patterns at one time, it's unlikely you'll remember any of them that well.
Last edited by Yudan Taiteki on Sun 07.12.2009 1:30 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Yet another correction :D

Postby Gundaetiapo » Sun 07.12.2009 12:03 pm

What textbook do you use, kentaku?
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Re: Yet another correction :D

Postby yukamina » Sun 07.12.2009 12:36 pm

There's lots of mistakes... I think you should study more grammar(including stuff you've already studied), and get more input(reading proper Japanese) before trying to write more.
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Re: Yet another correction :D

Postby Yudan Taiteki » Sun 07.12.2009 1:32 pm

Yeah, I definitely think this is an organization problem -- you need to follow a structured method where you master simple grammar and then extend that simple grammar step by step into more complex sentences. Starting with very complex sentences and then getting them totally rewritten by other people isn't going to help you very much. Rather than 7 sentences which are all over the place in terms of structure, you should be working on more than 7 sentences for each grammar pattern.
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Re: Yet another correction :D

Postby kentaku_sama » Sun 07.12.2009 8:11 pm

What textbook do you use, kentaku?


Genki level 2
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Re: Yet another correction :D

Postby Gundaetiapo » Sun 07.12.2009 10:15 pm

kentaku_sama wrote:俺は弁護士が鳴りました、 ありませんのに。 今、お茶広告を作っていますのが金をくれますもうけなさい。 
I wanted to be a lawyer but that didn't turn out so well. Now I'm currently making black tea ads to make a living.   


The reason for our concern:
- Don't use 俺 unless you want to sound boastful.
- There is a wrong particle in the first clause.
- You generally don't use kanji for the verb なる.
- If you were to use kanji for なる, it wouldn't be 鳴る.
- "Want" in your English is unaccounted for in the Japanese.
- "But" in your English is unaccounted for in the Japanese.
- ありませんのに is completely out of place.
- くれる denotes giving and favors. Semantically it doesn't make sense for an activity (…作っていますのが) to "give" you something in this sense.
- くれますもうけなさい: verbs cannot be juxtaposed like that.
- 設ける doesn't seem like the best choice for "make a living".
- なさい is for giving commands. There is no command in your English.

I strongly suggest following Yudan's advice and going with simpler sentences that use only grammar you know plus the new one you're learning. Does Genki come with a workbook?
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Re: Yet another correction :D

Postby Yudan Taiteki » Sun 07.12.2009 10:52 pm

I think もうける was supposed to be 儲ける.
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Re: Yet another correction :D

Postby RN2K » Mon 07.13.2009 8:44 pm

kentaku_sama wrote:
俺は弁護士が鳴りました、 ありませんのに。 今、お茶広告を作っていますのが金をくれますもうけなさい。 
I wanted to be a lawyer but that didn't turn out so well. Now I'm currently making black tea ads to make a living.   




その書き方は変だった。
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Re: Yet another correction :D

Postby Yudan Taiteki » Mon 07.13.2009 8:56 pm

RN2K wrote:その書き方は変だった。


それよりその書き方は失礼でした。
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