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My Untitled Story (in the making)

Feel free to practice writing in Japanese or romaji. Help each other out with corrections or replying back in Japanese

My Untitled Story (in the making)

Postby JohtoKen » Thu 08.06.2009 5:31 pm





00001号 - 紹介



Posts: 23
Joined: Mon 03.10.2008 1:46 am

Re: My Untitled Story (in the making)

Postby NileCat » Fri 08.07.2009 1:34 pm

It seems very tough. But I'll give it a try anyway...

> 人間らしいSUBFORMを持っている少年。
I have no idea what SUBFORM means.
But since it is written in English, your readers would find it intriguing.
> 静かで平和な「骨稽」という郊外に住んでいる。
滑稽 is a name of the town, correct?
In order to make it clear, you'd better to add something like ~という名前の.
Also I recommend to add the word 街(まち).
That's because 滑稽 doesn't soud like a name of a town to Japanese readers.
Yes, it's a strange name. But at the same time, the strangeness gives your story some kind of cool and new feelings.
I, at least, found it very interesting. Ok?
> この少年の気持ちを表している人間らしいSUBFORM。
Still, the meaning of the word remains a mystery. But it's ok if it's your intention.
Here, you need to put the word 'He' who lives in the digital world.
Even in Japanese, we sometimes want a subject !
> ―――コノモノガタリハココカラハジマリマス――― Totally fine and effective.
> 骨稽(こっけい)。午前3時半頃。Fine.
> 寝ている郊外の間で光を当てる。
Grammatically speaking, I'm sorry but this sentence doesn't make any sense.
But I don't want to ruin the cool feeling of your writing here.
My suggestion would be you to choose a subject word. He or The light or The town or whatever.
> ひとりの窓からほのかな明かりを当てる。
ひとつの窓からほのかな光が見える。would be better.
> 光の前で座ってる者は子供の頃から生活がコンピューターで取り囲まれた少年だ。
光の前 'に' sounds more natural.
> 感情がほとんどないような顔を持って、Cool.
> 夜更かしする事と寝不足の親の警告に無関心でありながら、
夜更かしする事と寝不足という、親の警告に無関心でありながら、would be appropriate for your intention.
> 当てもなくインターネット領域をさまよい歩いた。
さまよい歩いている。sounds better.
> 同じ場所の間を行ったりきたりしながら、
Here, again, you need a subject. Add 'He'.
> どこからともなくピング音を出して目の前でメッセージが突然に現れる。
Don't ask me why... I can't explain why it sounds more natural.

Well... You see?
I just found your writing was unique and kind of cool.
I know there is no textbook that can tell you how to write cool and sexy.
Keep writing!
Posts: 1168
Joined: Sat 08.01.2009 2:11 pm
Location: Tokyo
Native language: Japanese

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