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Could you correct my English?

英語を勉強している方のためのフォーラムです。練習のために英語の文章を投稿してもかまわなく、英語の文法・語彙に関する質問をしてもけっこうです。

Could you correct my English?

Postby aky2010 » Sat 01.02.2010 3:23 am

こんにちは。英作文の練習をしております。
私の祖母について(なんとなくですが)書いてみました。なぜか少し暗い話になってしまいました。。
grammarも正しい単語の使い方も、間違いだらけだと思いますのでどうかよろしくお願いします!

My grandmother
Thought she is dead when I was 14, but I'm still remember that she was really kind and generous person. She loved their ground children include me and she always gave us some snacks,ice cream and juice whatever children like.
I've never seen that she get angry. She might had been overprotective person for us, so my parents used to complain about that she gives us some snacks. But she didn't stop it in the end.
When I was 13, she was getting feel bad and then went into the hospital for treatment for a long time because it seemed to have a malignant tumor on her brain. She was getting forgettable about everything, which means it was started her dementia.
About half year later, she got out of the hospital temporarily. But I didn't talk much with her because it wasn't easy for her to talk logically any more. Then finally, She even forgot my name. It was really sad. But to be honest, I had been impatient rather than sadness at that time because of my childish thinking. What a stupid.
What the most regrettable thing is why I understood her disease. It was too late when I noticed about that. She wasn't there anymore.
-------------------------------------------------------

以上です。
I'm confused which tense I should use. because my grandmother is not alive anymore..
for example this sentence,
"I've never seen that she get angry." ....Should I use past perfect ?
I would be happy if someone help me.

Thank you,
Aki2010
英語は永遠の課題です
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Re: Could you correct my English?

Postby camino1ca » Sat 01.02.2010 4:34 am

I've never seen that she get angry."

=

I've never seen her get angry.

There are some more errors in your post so I will help correct them later:)

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Re: Could you correct my English?

Postby Infidel » Sat 01.02.2010 4:48 am

Hrm, we need a strike through button for editing. Since you asked I'll just do a quick sentence-by sentence correction as the forum isn't really designed well for showing edited text. Anything that doesn't become obvious, just let me know and I'll explain why I made the corrections I did. These corrections mainly address the wording, my punctuation corrections are a bit less reliable--punctuation was always my weak point. To keep close to the original wording, I'll try to make few changes purely for reasons of style, and keep my changes for the purpose of clarity.

My grandmother
Thought she is dead when I was 14, but I'm still remember that she was really kind and generous person.
Although she was already dead when I was fourteen, I still remember her as a really kind and generous person.

She loved their ground children include me and she always gave us some snacks,ice cream and juice whatever children like.
She loved her grand children, including me, and she always gave us some snacks: ice cream, juice, anything a child would like.

I've never seen that she get angry.
I never saw her get angry.\I've never seen her get angry.

She might had been overprotective person for us, so my parents used to complain about that she gives us some snacks. But she didn't stop it in the end.
She probably spoiled us, so my parents would complain when she gave us snacks. But in the end she wouldn't stop.

When I was 13, she was getting feel bad and then went into the hospital for treatment for a long time because it seemed to have a malignant tumor on her brain.
When I was thirteen, she started feeling bad and went to the hospital where she stayed for a long time for treatment after they found a malignant tumor in her brain.

She was getting forgettable about everything, which means it was started her dementia.
She was forgetting everything before going to the hospital, which meant her dementia had already begun.

About half year later, she got out of the hospital temporarily.
About half a year later...

But I didn't talk much with her because it wasn't easy for her to talk logically any more.
...anymore

Then finally, She even forgot my name. It was really sad. But to be honest, I had been impatient rather than sadness at that time because of my childish thinking.
...I had been impatient rather than sad...
What a stupid.
I just didn't know any better.\I was such an idiot. ..I'm guessing your intent here.

What the most regrettable thing is why I understood her disease. It was too late when I noticed about that. She wasn't there anymore.
The most regrettable thing is when I finally understood her disease, it was too late...
なるほど。
さっぱりわからん。
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Re: Could you correct my English?

Postby aky2010 » Sun 01.03.2010 9:33 am

Camino1ca and Infidel , Thank you so much for correcting!! :D :D
I read your correction carefully, and I have some questions again :|

→I never saw her get angry.\I've never seen her get angry.
Can we use "I had never seen her get angry" as well ? Because,umm..how should I say,I don't have any chance to see her get angry anymore.(祖母の怒った姿を見られる機会はどのみちもう無いから?)

→She probably spoiled us
spoiled =甘やかす なんですね!! I didn't know that..Is "overprotect" too formal or just irrelevant?

→so my parents would complain when she gave us snacks. But in the end she wouldn't stop.
・We shouldn't use "used to"? I thought "used to " can be used as repeated action in the past :o
・What's the different between "didn't stop" and "wouldn't stop" in this situation?

Anyway,thanks again!!
英語は永遠の課題です
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Re: Could you correct my English?

Postby Hyperworm » Sun 01.03.2010 3:31 pm

spoiled =甘やかす なんですね!! I didn't know that..Is "overprotect" too formal or just irrelevant?
I think it doesn't apply here. "Overprotective" is used in contexts like
- not allowing someone to do something (go to a club, eat certain types of food, etc) for fear it will hurt or damage them in some way (overprotect because it might be considered normal for that person to eat those foods or go to clubs, and the protection might be considered unnecessary)
- responding fiercely to any slightly negative comments made about that person even when the person is not within earshot, protecting them from criticism (overprotect because it may be unnecessary to rebuke all such negative comments)
and so on. I don't think there's this kind of "(over)protection" in your sentence. Spoiling / doting on someone is not necessarily an act of "protection" from external threat.

We shouldn't use "used to"? I thought "used to " can be used as repeated action in the past :o
"used to complain" and "would complain" are both fine to me here.
What's the different between "didn't stop" and "wouldn't stop" in this situation?
I think "wouldn't" emphasizes the fact that she made a conscious choice not to stop. She refused to stop.
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Re: Could you correct my English?

Postby keatonatron » Sun 01.03.2010 3:42 pm

aky2010 wrote:→I never saw her get angry.\I've never seen her get angry.
Can we use "I had never seen her get angry" as well ? Because,umm..how should I say,I don't have any chance to see her get angry anymore.


That is the reason why we don't use "had never seen" :wink:

"had never seen" means "until that point I had never seen her get angry, but then that changed/it might change from now on"

(Had never seenは「そのときまでの範囲で、見たことがなかった(が・・・その後見ました・見る経験の無さはこれから変わる可能性があります)」という意味です)

We often use this tense in sentences like "I had never seen her get angry until that day" (その日まで、怒った姿を見たことがなかった)

When talking about something which has not happened and has no possibility of happening, we use the normal past tense. (I didn't visit the world trade center towers in NY / I never visited the world trade center towers in NY)

For something that hasn't happened but might in the future, we use the tense you suggested. (I haven't visited Italy [yet])
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Re: Could you correct my English?

Postby Infidel » Sun 01.03.2010 7:05 pm

aky2010 wrote:
→so my parents would complain when she gave us snacks. But in the end she wouldn't stop.
・We shouldn't use "used to"? I thought "used to " can be used as repeated action in the past :o
・What's the different between "didn't stop" and "wouldn't stop" in this situation?

Anyway,thanks again!!


Oops, and I meant to not make stylistic changes so my corrections would be easier to understand. "used to" and "would" are interchangeable here.

And as Hyperworm said, I used "wouldn't stop" to emphasize that her not stopping was a deliberate decision on her part and not carelessness. I actually considered using "refused to stop." But it seemed too confrontational. Keat and Hyperworm explained the rest pretty well--better than I would have been able to.
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Re: Could you correct my English?

Postby pm215 » Mon 01.04.2010 6:54 pm

Infidel wrote:
She was getting forgettable about everything, which means it was started her dementia.
She was forgetting everything before going to the hospital, which meant her dementia had already begun.

"She was getting forgetful about everything" may be what aky2010 had in mind (and sounds good to me).

Infidel wrote:
But I didn't talk much with her because it wasn't easy for her to talk logically any more.
...anymore

For me, "any more" is correct and "anymore" is wrong :-) US/UK difference, maybe?
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Re: Could you correct my English?

Postby aky2010 » Sun 01.10.2010 8:46 am

みなさま

Thank you so much and ご連絡が遅くなりましてごめんなさい。
Finally, I got it the difference between "used to" and "would".
Although both can be used when I describe "repeated action" in the past, "would" can't be used when I describe states. like,
×I would have a cat in my child food.  ○I use to have a cat....I hope it is right..

and now I understood how to use "overprotect" and "had never" as well :) たぶん・・・笑

umm...but I have no idea the difference between American English and British. :think:

回答頂いた皆様、ありがとうございました。
I would be happy I could ask this kind of questions sometimes.
英語は永遠の課題です
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Re: Could you correct my English?

Postby becki_kanou » Sun 01.10.2010 10:42 pm

aky2010 wrote:みなさま

Thank you so much and ご連絡が遅くなりましてごめんなさい。
Finally, I got it the difference between "used to" and "would".
Although both can be used when I describe "repeated action" in the past, "would" can't be used when I describe states. like,
×I would have a cat in my child food.  ○I use to have a cat....I hope it is right..

That's correct, except for some small spelling errors.
X child food O childhood
X use to O used to

and now I understood how to use "overprotect" and "had never" as well :) たぶん・・・笑
umm...but I have no idea the difference between American English and British. :think:

To my ear at least, the biggest differences between British and American English are the vowel sounds (母音) and the lack of rhoticity (Rの音) in British English. There are also some vocabulary differences too. e.g. lorry/truck, flat/apartment, biro/ ballpoint pen etc.

回答頂いた皆様、ありがとうございました。
I would be happy I could ask this kind of questions sometimes.

Feel free to ask all the questions you want! :D
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Re: Could you correct my English?

Postby chikara » Mon 01.11.2010 12:17 am

pm215 wrote:.... For me, "any more" is correct and "anymore" is wrong :-) US/UK difference, maybe?

aky2010 wrote:..... I have no idea the difference between American English and British. :think: ......

The difference between written British English (Queen's English, BBC English) and American English is the spelling. In American English "anymore" is a word and it has a different meaning to the words "any more". In British English "anymore" is not a word and is considered a misspelling of "any more".
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Re: Could you correct my English?

Postby aky2010 » Sun 02.14.2010 9:06 am

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
こんにちは。また来ました :)
I'm going to take an English exam including writing test soon.
In the test, there is an interesting question...that I have to write my own story using sentence given in 120-180 words.
Could you check the grammar and give some advice made more expressive?
(plz ignore the contents.lol) Unfortunately,Im not creative person 8)

Question:
You have been asked to write a story for your school magazine. The story must begin like this:
Peter opened the door and saw Jack standing in the doorway. Jack had returned,and Peter was frightened.
Write your story.

Peter though that person was Jack, who is his old brother, but actually it was not him. Because his face was exactly terrible monster. Peter turned around and tried to run out of his house as soon as he possible.
"Wait,Peter! It's me!" the demon shouted to him.
Peter looked back again slowly and looked at him.There was a young boy who was holding a demon mask by his hand laughing.
"Sorry,my little brother.I didn't mean to surprise you." Jack said.
Jack seemed to found the mask in a old house,which was not used for a long time, on the way back to home from school. It was so attracted him that he was sorely tempted to tried it on. While he was wearing the mask, he seemed to felt he can do anything.
"This must be has something magical power!(lol) Don't tell Dad and Mum about this,ok?" Jack said exciting.
"Ok,this is only our secret." said Peter exiting,either.

to..to be continued? :shock:
これはなかなか恥ずかしい :blush: しかもどこかで聞いたことのあるようなストーリー・・
What kind of story would you like to write in your case?
とにかく、correctionよろしくお願い致します!!
英語は永遠の課題です
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Re: Could you correct my English?

Postby clay » Sun 02.14.2010 9:38 am

Peter though that person was Jack, who is his old brother, but actually it was not him.

- though => thought; old => older

Because his face was exactly terrible monster.

- Maybe something like, "It was the face of a terrible monster."

Peter turned around and tried to run out of his house as soon as he possible.

- remove "he"

"Wait,Peter! It's me!" the demon shouted to him.

- Just fine, but add a space after the comma.

Peter looked back again slowly and looked at him.There was a young boy who was holding a demon mask by his hand laughing.

- Change "by" to "in."

"Sorry,my little brother.I didn't mean to surprise you." Jack said.

- "my little brother" is ok, but I don't think most brothers would say that. Try removing the "my." Also one space after the comma and two after the period.

Jack seemed to found the mask in a old house,which was not used for a long time,on the way back to home from school.

- seemed to => "probably" or "must have"
- Space after the comma. :)

It was so attracted him that he was sorely tempted to tried it on.

- was => had

While he was wearing the mask, he seemed to felt he can do anything.

- felt => feel like

"This must be has something magical power!(lol) Don't tell Dad and Mum about this,ok?" Jack said exciting.

- "be has something" => "have some"
- space after !
- space after ,
- exciting => excitingly

"Ok,this is only our secret." said Peter exiting,either.

- space after ,
- exiting,either => also excitingly

Can't wait to hear what happens next! :)
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Re: Could you correct my English?

Postby chikara » Sun 02.14.2010 9:04 pm

clay wrote:...
It was so attracted him that he was sorely tempted to tried it on.

- was => had ...

- tried => try

clay wrote:...Can't wait to hear what happens next! :)

ditto
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Re: Could you correct my English?

Postby becki_kanou » Sun 02.14.2010 11:42 pm

clay wrote:
"Ok,this is only our secret." said Peter exiting,either.

- space after ,
- exiting,either => also excitingly


I think these should both be excitedly rather than excitingly because it's describing the boys' feelings.

A lot of my English students have difficulty with this, but for the most part adjectives ending with -ed are used for people's internal feelings, while the corresponding adjectives ending with -ing are used to describe external circumstances.

E.g.
That new action movie was very exciting.
The children were excited to see the monkeys at the zoo.

Going to a spa can be very relaxing.
I was quite relaxed after I got a massage.

That teacher's lectures are always boring.
Tom was so bored that he fell asleep in class.

Can't wait to hear what happens next! :)


Same here!
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