Translating a Song

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Veridious
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Joined: Mon 08.23.2010 3:51 am
Native language: English

Translating a Song

Post by Veridious » Mon 08.23.2010 5:21 am

Hi, hate asking about a translation being very new here, but I've been attempting to translate a song I wrote into Japanese, but I'm having a bit of trouble with one line.

The line is: Are you lost to me, forever more, fading through the white
What I have is 貴方は迷子 末永く 白色を薄れる

I'm not really sure that sounds right, also thought about
貴方は末永くな迷子, 白色を薄れる
Might work, but I was trying to keep the first part consistent with another line, where I have 貴方は迷子 at the beginning again.

For context of the song, there's both a male and female singer, they're close companions.

Thanks for the help.

ピーター
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Joined: Sat 02.20.2010 9:02 am
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Re: Translating a Song

Post by ピーター » Mon 08.23.2010 1:47 pm

I'm not an expert by any means, but I'll try to help.

 白色を薄れる

I don't think that's actually grammatical, as 薄れる is an intransitive verb, and so isn't used with を. Also, even if you replaced it with a が, so it would make sense grammatically, it would be saying 'the white fades', rather than give the meaning of a person fading through the white that you seem to be looking for. The particle で after the 白色 could maybe be used to give the sense of fading in/through the white, but I'm not 100% certain on that.

Also, I don't think you can add な to make an adjective of 末永く like that. 末永い would be the adjective form.

Adding a で after the noun at the end of your first little clause should be sufficient for connecting, if you're happy with the sound of that. (Although, given the vast amount of leeway and artistic license you can take in music it probably doesn't matter if you connect them or not :P ).

NileCat
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Re: Translating a Song

Post by NileCat » Mon 08.23.2010 4:04 pm

Just as an example.

あなたは失われ
永遠に
白く消えていく

Veridious
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Re: Translating a Song

Post by Veridious » Mon 08.23.2010 11:37 pm

Thanks for the help both of you, I think I understand.

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two_heads_talking
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Re: Translating a Song

Post by two_heads_talking » Tue 08.24.2010 12:46 pm

ピーター wrote: so it would make sense grammatically, it would be saying 'the white fades', rather than give the meaning of a person fading through the white that you seem to be looking for. .
since the wording does indicate someone fading out, I'd say your suggestion to use 'the white fades' is completely incorrect. it isn't that the white is fading but rather the relationship as the person(s) ask 'are you lost to me, forever more, (person being spoken to) fading through the white.


nilecat, would using 消え果てる 【きえはてる】 (v1,vi) to vanish completely, be inappropriate here?

(edit, fixed a typo, and some grammar.)
Last edited by two_heads_talking on Wed 08.25.2010 9:42 am, edited 1 time in total.

NileCat
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Re: Translating a Song

Post by NileCat » Tue 08.24.2010 1:08 pm

two_heads_talking wrote:nilecat, would using 消え果てる 【きえはてる】 (v1,vi) to vanish completely be inappropriate here?
Sounds very nice to me. Might be one of the best choices here. :applause:

Veridious
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Re: Translating a Song

Post by Veridious » Tue 08.24.2010 6:07 pm

I was thinking something along the lines of 光が消えるように or as two_heads_talking suggested, 光は消え果てる.

Thanks again for the help.

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