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Need a correction, please

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Need a correction, please

Postby kaze89 » Tue 06.28.2011 9:39 am

Hi everyone, I hope someone can help a newbie out?
I have to write this motivational letter to my teacher to take part in an excursion and I would really like it if someone could just look over it and point out my mistakes. (I'm sure there's plenty.) Any input would be appreciated. Thank you!

(I hope this is the write place, if not, please move? )

_

私は日本に行きたい理由は三つあります。
まず、日本語をもっと上手に話せる、分かれる、書ける、そして読めるようになりたいと思います。私は来年の留学の準備にとして上手になりたいと思います。ドイツにいても勉強できると分かっていますが、日本ほど上手くに行けません。日本にいると、日本語の勉強はもっと簡単です。
そして、日本語の勉強だけではなくて、いい文化の勉強にもなると思います。そういう勉強をするチャンスがあれば、捕らえたいと思います。

次に、私は日本の歴史は興味深いと思っていますから、京都と広島を見学する機関もあることは私にとって大変面白いです。関西に行くチャンスは今までなかったので、今度行けるならいいと思います。私は関西の名物を食べたくて、関西の名所を見学したいと思います。

さいしょに、このプログラムのもう一つのいいポイントは、参会者は世界のいろんな国から来た人ということです。私は、いろんな人と話し合って、友達になることは人生にいい経験だと思います。
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Re: Need a correction, please

Postby phreadom » Tue 06.28.2011 9:53 am

This seems like a perfectly fine place for it. :)

I'm too much of a beginner to offer help with the Japanese portion, but I did notice a spelling mistake in your English, if you don't mind me pointing it out?

(I hope this is the write place, if not, please move? ) --> (I hope this is the right place, if not, please move? )

I hope someone else more knowledgeable can look over your 日本語 and offer some helpful suggestions. :)
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Re: Need a correction, please

Postby Ongakuka » Tue 06.28.2011 10:38 am

日本語をもっと上手に話せる、分かれる、書ける、そして読めるようになりたいと思います


might be a more flowing way to put this, all I can think of is something like 日本語の読み書きの能力を上達させたい or something. I think 分かれる doesn't fit here very well.

日本ほど上手くに行けません


If I understand correctly the concept you want to express here is 日本にいたらもっと上手くいくでしょう

捕らえたいと思います。
I'm not Japanese so I don't know if toraeru works here, it seems to make sense but I'm not sure if people actually use it like that.

I'll post the next bit in a sec. By the way your Japanese is extremely good, as though you'd already experienced life in Japan.

UPDATE

次に、私は日本の歴史は興味深いと思っていますから、


日本の歴史 が 興味深いですから sounds better to me (maybe は is ok though)

京都と広島を見学する機関もあることは私にとって大変面白いです。


did you mean 機会 rather than 機関? also, in my opinion, 面白い comes across as meaning 'funny' here, so I would put 私にとってとても大切なことです。

関西に行くチャンスは今までなかったので、今度行けるならいいと思います。私は関西の名物を食べたくて、関西の名所を見学したいと思います。
this is perfect

さいしょに << did you mean 'saigo ni?'

Great job, I don't think I'd be able to write a Japanese letter this well.
 
なぜなら、おまえは・・・・・・人形だ
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Re: Need a correction, please

Postby NileCat » Tue 06.28.2011 12:30 pm

Good work, kaze89!
And I found Ongakuka-san’s corrections adequate, however, since Japanese is my mother tongue, let me back up his explanation a little bit. :)

私は日本に行きたい理由は三つあります。

Ok. But if I were your grammar teacher, I’d correct it into 私日本に行きたい理由は三つあります。

日本語をもっと上手に話せる、分かれる、書ける、そして読めるようになりたいと思います

As Ongakuka said, 分かれる sounds off. If you use 分かる instead here, your sentence would sound totally fine, natural, and aspiring.
日本語をもっと上手に話せる、分かる、書ける、そして読めるようになりたいと思います。
The way Ongakuka phrased it is, of course, good, though.

私は来年の留学の準備にとして上手になりたいと思います。

留学の準備として (no に)

ドイツにいても勉強できると分かっていますが、日本ほど上手くに行けません。

Another way to phrase it is
ドイツにいても勉強はできますが、日本にいるほどうまくはいきません。

そういう勉強をするチャンスがあれば、捕らえたいと思います。

Good. (We use this expression, Ongakuka :) )

次に、私は日本の歴史は興味深いと思っていますから、

Fine. (は sounds more natural to my ear rather than が.)

京都と広島を見学する機関もあることは私にとって大変面白いです。

It should be 機会 as Ongakuka said.

今度行けるならいいと思います。

This phrase sounds unnatural to me. (Well, it sounds like you were a younger kid.)
関西に行くチャンスは今までなかったので、今度行けるのが楽しみです。

The point is the use of ならいい. It is usually implies negative feelings. (It is not always true, though.)
e.g) べつに行けるならいいけど、無理しないでいいよ。

さいしょに、このプログラムのもう一つのいいポイントは、参会者は世界のいろんな国から来た人ということです。

さいしょに should be 最後に. Hiragawa will do as well.
参会者 is not wrong, however, 参加者 would sound much more natural here.

Hope it helps.
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Re: Need a correction, please

Postby kaze89 » Tue 06.28.2011 12:44 pm

@phreadom: Oh got, I can't believe I wrote that. Usually, I know the distinction.

@Ongakuka:

might be a more flowing way to put this, all I can think of is something like 日本語の読み書きの能力を上達させたい or something. I think 分かれる doesn't fit here very well.


Oh, 上達 sounds like a good vocab to remember :)


If I understand correctly the concept you want to express here is 日本にいたらもっと上手くいくでしょう


Yes! Oh that's so simple, why didn't I think of that!

捕らえたいと思います。
I'm not Japanese so I don't know if toraeru works here, it seems to make sense but I'm not sure if people actually use it like that.


I'm not sure either, I got it out of a dictionary.

UPDATE

次に、私は日本の歴史は興味深いと思っていますから、


日本の歴史 が 興味深いですから sounds better to me (maybe は is ok though)


Urgh, が and は will never stop tripping me up, will they?

京都と広島を見学する機関もあることは私にとって大変面白いです。


did you mean 機会 rather than 機関? also, in my opinion, 面白い comes across as meaning 'funny' here, so I would put 私にとってとても大切なことです。


Yes, I did mean that *headslaps self* Thanks for the advide.

さいしょに << did you mean 'saigo ni?'


Yes....XD;

Thanks for all the input :)
I've been to Japan for a month last year in September and stayed with a host family for two weeks. And I'm pretty much following a pattern here that my teacher taught us. He's all about patterns.

@Nilecat:

Oh, that first が makes sense now that you say it. 分かれる sounded weird to me when I typed it, but I guess I had this thought in my head that they should all be potential forms
ドイツにいても勉強はできますが、日本にいるほどうまくはいきません。
Oh, I like that!

This phrase sounds unnatural to me. (Well, it sounds like you were a younger kid.)


Haha, I had no idea how to phrase it. 楽しみ sounds so much better, thank you!

Thanks a lot for everything! :D
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Re: Need a correction, please

Postby Ongakuka » Tue 06.28.2011 12:59 pm

@kazeさん your letter was so well written and it was a good idea to post it and get feedback. If you're making changes you should just refer to Nilecatさん's post (since any feedback I gave that was ok is confirmed by him anyway.)

@Nilecatさん Thank you so much, I always benefit tremendously from your posts. Actually I expected you would post advise for kazeさん、but I couldn't be sure. In any case, I'm glad I posted, because now I can study my own errors.

またいつかチャットでゆっくり話しましょう
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Re: Need a correction, please

Postby NileCat » Tue 06.28.2011 1:18 pm

いつも思うのですが、日本語ネイティブでない方の説明の方が当を得ていることがよくあります。きっと客観的な視点が持てるからでしょうね。私はちょっと「自然に聞こえるか、聞こえないか」といった細かいことにこだわりすぎるきらいがあります。このTJPは、日本語ネイティブでない方々がとても充実していて、素晴らしいと思います。 :)

(「当を得ている」と「きらいがある」は、わざと使ってみました :D
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Re: Need a correction, please

Postby kaze89 » Mon 07.11.2011 5:13 pm

To those who helped me (thank you again), I just wanted to let you know that I got in. :)
This is a big thing to me because there was only one place in this program available to my university and I didn't think I'd get it. (It's a six week trip to Kansai, all expenses paid.) :D
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Re: Need a correction, please

Postby micahcowan » Mon 07.11.2011 5:55 pm

Congratulations!
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Re: Need a correction, please

Postby Ongakuka » Tue 07.12.2011 7:59 am

You deserved it Kaze! I'm really happy for you :D
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