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it started as an english paper..

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it started as an english paper..

Postby Hijiku » Fri 05.18.2007 12:33 pm

a few weeks ago, our English class was given an assingment to write up an introduction to a book. after turning in my paper, the teacher asked me if i was still writing the book.

i might, but first i would like a third party opinion, any critisism or edits would be very useful.


"In the Shadow"

Prologue..
Enter the forbidden land…



It was just unfair. How can any man know the fate of a person is that of a cursed destiny, as Lord Emon did? Was it not he that taught us all that only the Divine powers above could determine the fate and destiny of mankind? Mono, please forgive me. There wasn’t a thing that I could have done that would have prevented it. Why sacrifice you as if your death will bring the people a better life? I tried to stop him from thrusting that dagger into your heart, had I known anything about this. Why would you keep this from me, my love? You must have your own reasons for not telling me, and now you are gone. But I may have a solution, my love. Emon said your destiny was that of a curse where death comes to you, and now here you are, limp, lifeless, and yet, still beautiful as I remember. A while ago, I heard Emon speaking to a commoner. He spoke of a forbidden land, to the south and past many mountains, where there is a shrine that could bring you to life. Emon called it, the Shrine of Worship, and the land around it the Forbidden Land. The penalty of entering this land is banishment, and the forbidden ritual being attempted or completed is death on sight. But I do not care. Later tonight, my love, I will set out with your lifeless being, and find this Shrine of Worship so you may live again. I vow upon the almighty Gods themselves, I will pay any price to see you have a second chance at life, even if I have to pay with my own…


and please, if you think its bad, be subtle about it. i get enough hate just for being gay, let alone a bad writer, here.

Thanx. :) *~Hijiku~
Last edited by Hijiku on Fri 05.18.2007 12:33 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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RE: it started as an english paper..

Postby Mike Cash » Fri 05.18.2007 12:50 pm

Looks like you completely missed the point of the assignment.
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RE: it started as an english paper..

Postby SirFirestorm » Fri 05.18.2007 1:53 pm

Introduction you say...

try try again?
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RE: it started as an english paper..

Postby AJBryant » Fri 05.18.2007 1:56 pm

Looks like you completely missed the point of the assignment.


I'm with Mike. I think you really missed the point.



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RE: it started as an english paper..

Postby two_heads_talking » Fri 05.18.2007 1:57 pm

Mike, I don't think this is the assignment, but the continuation of it.

However, if this is the introduction, it really doesn't introduce.. let me look for some references to help you out.. what book is it you are introducing?

ok this is some stuff I came up with..

http://owl.english.purdue.edu/workshops ... intro.html

some ways to start your introduction include but are not limited to.

•Begin with a quotation. Just make sure you explain its relevance
•Begin with a question
•Begin with an acknowledgment of an opinion opposite to the one you plan to take
•Begin with a very short narrative or anecdote that has a direct bearing on your paper
•Begin with an interesting fact
•Begin with a definition or explanation of a term relevant to your paper
•Begin with irony or paradox
•Begin with an analogy. Make sure it's original but not too far-fetched

The first thing a speech or writer must do is grab the interest of his/her audience. If one were addressing a group on the topic of suicide among teenagers, he/she might focus on his/her audience by quoting from Hamlet's soliloquy: "To be or not to be, that is the question." One could tell a joke to set a humorous tone. Another idea is to challenge your listeners with an unanswerable question. How many teenagers are contracting sexually transmitted diseases? Finally, one could give a startling statistic: There are ten violent crimes committed each minute in Florida. Whatever technique one uses, remember that without the listeners' full attention, one's message will not be received.

In order to involve one's audience, the writer or speaker must provide background information. For example, a person delivering a talk on teen suicide could state the latest statistics for that state. He could also discuss the reasons why teenagers take their own lives, including peer pressure, lack of self-esteem, poor grades, hopelessness, rejection (especially from a girlfriend or boyfriend,) and drugs and alcohol. This could be followed by the means or ways teens kill themselves. The background information would depend on the audience. If concerned parents of teenagers make up the audience, the speaker would key in on signs of distress in teens, and the parents would become more aware.


It seems to me that you tried the narrative approach but you got caught up in the narrative and forgot to make it relevant to your paper. Your imagery is provocative nonetheless, however you do tend to change tenses frequently, which does leave a person wondering..

take a step back, a deep breath and try it from a different angle..
Last edited by two_heads_talking on Fri 05.18.2007 2:11 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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RE: it started as an english paper..

Postby AJBryant » Fri 05.18.2007 3:31 pm

Plus, um... that's not an introduction to a book. It's creative writing. Writing an introduction to a book means READING A BOOK and then writing a suitable intro to it.


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RE: it started as an english paper..

Postby jrivera » Fri 05.18.2007 4:11 pm

Hijiku wrote:
a few weeks ago, our English class was given an assingment to write up an introduction to a book. after turning in my paper, the teacher asked me if i was still writing the book.


She asked you to write the intro for a book that doesn't exist and now you're continuing the book on your own?
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RE: it started as an english paper..

Postby two_heads_talking » Fri 05.18.2007 4:41 pm

AJBryant wrote:
Plus, um... that's not an introduction to a book. It's creative writing. Writing an introduction to a book means READING A BOOK and then writing a suitable intro to it.


Tony


i was going to mention that too, but I figured I used up my (definition status) for the day..
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RE: it started as an english paper..

Postby Yudan Taiteki » Fri 05.18.2007 4:53 pm

I think it's the rest of you who are missing the point; the assignment seems to have been a creative writing assignment to write the opening to a story. Given that the teacher asked him "if he was still writing the book", he would know if he had screwed up the assignment already.

I swear, sometimes I think you guys intentionally misread things just to be mean. :)
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RE: it started as an english paper..

Postby tanuki » Fri 05.18.2007 5:00 pm

I don't really understand what's going on in this thread, but I like the text. :)

By the way, shouldn't this sentence be like this:

I would have tried to stop him from thrusting that dagger into your heart, had I known anything about this.
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RE: it started as an english paper..

Postby AJBryant » Fri 05.18.2007 5:42 pm

I read it as "write the introduction to a book" -- i.e., write what could be the introduction to a book -- and the OP *actually* wrote a fictional introduction to a fictional book, and the teacher responded with a bit of humored sarcasm. But not having access to the actual assignment or teacher, who knows?


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RE: it started as an english paper..

Postby HeyItsMatt » Fri 05.18.2007 5:43 pm

Yudan Taiteki wrote:
I think it's the rest of you who are missing the point; the assignment seems to have been a creative writing assignment to write the opening to a story. Given that the teacher asked him "if he was still writing the book", he would know if he had screwed up the assignment already.

I swear, sometimes I think you guys intentionally misread things just to be mean. :)


Haha, that's the impression I got too. I think he explained his assignment a bit vaguely to us, but it sounds like from the teacher's question he is continuing to write a fictional story after having turned in an opening for his assignment, and he just wants constructive criticism.

Hijiku - you're articulate and your story sounds like it's fairly interesting, but my advice would be to try to make the opening to your story more straightforward. I think the best introductions are often ones that are very simple, introduce a main setting or character or problem immediately, and rope the reader in so they want to read more.

I don't know if you know the author Orson Scott Card, but I seem to remember finding a website of his where he talked about some rule where you should hook the reader in the first 14 lines of your story. That number's a bit arbitrary of course, but I think he was basically saying that people have short attention spans and will quickly drop your story if they're not immediately involved in it. In your introduction there, even though I found it poetic and liked the imagery, I was confused by all the names, what was going on, and whether the speaker was thinking to himself or writing a letter or something.

Hope that helped a bit!
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RE: it started as an english paper..

Postby Mike Cash » Sat 05.19.2007 4:41 am

Well if it was meant to be taken in the way that Chris says, I can only say that the OP must be ramping up for an attempt at the Bulwyr-Lytton Fiction Contest

(How's that for mean?)
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RE: it started as an english paper..

Postby SirFirestorm » Sat 05.19.2007 6:20 am

The pain wouldn’t stop, and Vern still had three cats left.

-A. Davis, Lyttle Lytton winner

I could learn a thing or three from this guy! Cant stop laughing :D
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RE: it started as an english paper..

Postby HeyItsMatt » Sat 05.19.2007 11:22 am

Mike Cash wrote:
Well if it was meant to be taken in the way that Chris says, I can only say that the OP must be ramping up for an attempt at the Bulwyr-Lytton Fiction Contest

(How's that for mean?)


It was mean, Mike. But the link is hilarious. I actually thought a lot of those would be good book intros if the genre was comedy. Some were sort of Douglas Adams-esque.

There's also a "Bad Sex in Fiction Award" section, which is a little bit scary. I saw the word "froggily" used as an adverb. And then it gets worse from there.
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