Hello again. For anyone interested in hearings others thoughts and feelings, I guess this is a good thing to read. Even though I am intending in the future to write all of my blog entries in Japanese for the purpose of learning and practice, today I'm going to use it for something a little bit different. I have been having feelings that make me feel icky these past few weeks and I need some way to get them out, and I thought that a blog entry might help me blow off some steam. If it's hard for you to find the point of this blog entry, it's fine, because this post will be a little bit complicated, but that is how life is, so it's actually not too bad of a thing.
At this moment I will admit, I have been diagnosed as bipolar. Admitting this is hard for some people to do because of the negative opinions of being bipolar that come from other people. I however do not care of these opinions and admitting the fact that i truly am bipolar has helped me a great deal in the past, but this is only part of what is making me so, I should say, sensitive to my thoughts and feelings and all of the events that have taken place recently.
Recently I have moved to New Mexico from California. Although I am 19 years old, this will have been the 15 or 16 time I made a substantial move in my life. This is partly what is bugging me. I move from California to get help from my grandma with managing my bipolar. Up until I moved to New Mexico I was attending college, but due to living circumstances caused by yet another move that was not my choice, I was in a very negative situation. Due to that situation and the combination with the stress of going to college, a break up with my boy friend so he could sleep with as many women as he wants because he's just not a "relationship person" (and he didn't even like me to begin with and doesn't know why he asked me to be his girlfriend. So he says) I had quite and inconvenient nervous break down. Since moving here things started to get better, but then all of my medicine ran out. About my medicine, there is nothing I can do about it. I need it now most of all, but it costs $2oo. As a former foster child of the state of California I had medical insurance, but not here in NM. With that, I am fine giving up the state insurance from CA, cause honestly it really only only pay for the medicine, but now my problem is not that I can't pay for it but that my medicine seems to not be working anymore. This has been frustrating me to the point where I feel as though I am about to have another break down. Which has gotten me to think about things a little bit differently.
All of you "Americans"( from the USA specifically) have most likely heard the saying home is where the heart is. I am beginning to think that this saying was created by some one who never was forced to move because of the selfishness of their parents, ether by being uprooted because they were too young not too, or by being forced to choose to leave because of them getting violent and threatening your life. I have begun to realize, you can only have your home where your heart is if you have a normal heart. At the moment, I am still searching for my home, because I feel my heart is too torn up to make one in. I hope I will find one soon, because I have many people depending on me for things, and that mostly includes myself, but it also includes everyone I meet every day.
And at this moment I would like to make and early apology for those who have actually managed to read this, that if I may seem mad at anytime, I am very sorry. While I am getting things straightened out, I will be very irritable. This morning it took everything that I had not to punch a hole in the wall, and that is saying something about my situation, because even after my break down, I have never wanted to do that.