Compare English and Japanese "to give"

In English we use the verb "to give" to mean to send something to someone. It doesn't matter who the subject or sender is.

Consider these two sentences:

• I gave Mr. Tanaka a book.
• Mr. Tanaka gave me a book.

In both cases, the subject is the one doing the giving. In the first sentence, “I” am the one doing the giving. In the second, it is “Mr. Tanaka” doing the giving. Both are the subject of the sentence.

You may have learned あげる means "to give" but あげる wouldn't be used in the second sentence. You would use くれる.

Let's translate these two sentences.

In these cases, both あげた and くれた would be translated as "gave" in English.

Spend a moment comparing the English to the Japanese.

In English, the subject is the giver. In Japanese, for both あげる and くれる, this is also the case. (We’ll get to もらう later which is backwards; もらう has the receiver as the subject/topic. This is from the receiver’s point of view.)

■  When do you use あげる and when do you use くれる?

With Japanese, you have to consider the position of the giver in relation to the receiver.

To the English mind, we are all equal and therefore we rarely change our language to suit the situation and context. But to the Japanese mind, the situation or context and the relative relationship between people is very important.

This leads us to a discussion of うち and そと. 

The うち and そと concept is pretty easy to grasp, but the hard part is to stop thinking in English and to begin to think in Japanese. The good news is, once you grasp the concept of うち and そと, it will also greatly help you with 敬語(けいご) or polite Japanese.

Just remember that うち starts with the individual (me) and includes any people related to me (you) or anyone in any group you belong to.

■  When to use あげる: From small to big; inside to out

Use あげる when going from yourself, the smallest circle out to the bigger うち circle or out to the even bigger そと circle. In other words, it’s a motion going from small to big, うち to そと.

For example, when you give something to your sister, you use あげる. Why? because you are going from the smallest circle (me) to a larger circle (sister as part of your うち).

This is also true when going from the うち to そと. Use あげる when your sister gives something to someone outside your group.

Lastly, use あげるwhen someone outside your group gives something to another person outside your group, and when someone within your group gives something to someone else in your group.

■  How to form あげる

(Giver は) + (Receiver に) + (object given を) + あげる

Let’s try an example.

Mr. Tanaka is outside our group, そと. How do you say, "I gave Mr. Tanaka a book”?

First, who is the giver? That would be "I" and "I" is the smallest circle in the うち group. The book is going out to Mr. Tanaka who, for our example, is outside our group, そと. The giving action goes from small to large, narrow to wide, inside to out.

■  When to use くれる: From big to small; outside to in

Use くれる to mean “to give" when going the other way. From そと to うち and from うち (family or friends) to oneself.

■  How to form くれる

Now, lets flip the giving and make Mr. Tanaka the giver.

Mr. Tanaka gave me a book.

田中(たなか)さんは、私(わたし)に 本(ほん)を くれた。

As for Mr. Tanaka | me | to | book (direct object marker) | gave

Since we are going from a large circle, そと, to small, うち, we can't use あげる. Why? Because あげる only goes from small to large or within groups.

We use くれる instead. The good news is, the format is the same: 

(Giver は) + (Receiver に) + (object given を) + くれる

It's the same sentence form as あげる. That’s right. あげる and くれる only differ if the giver is in a smaller circle or a larger circle.

Also, use くれる when receiving something good that wasn’t necessarily asked for.

You don't use くれる for bad things, only good things like gifts or good advice.

One more example.

Can you figure out whether this will use あげる or くれる?

This time, Mr. Tanaka doesn't give me the book, but he gives it Mrs. Aoki who is also outside our group. This is between two people of the same group, the そと (from my perspective).

How do you say, "Mr. Tanaka gave Mrs. Aoki a book."?

Mr. Tanaka gave Mrs. Aoki a book.

田中(たなか)さんは、青木(あおき)さんに本(ほん)をあげた。

First, remember さん can be used with males and females and doesn't express marital status. Therefore, さん can mean both “Mr.” and “Mrs.”

Second, since it involves two people of a same group (そと), we should use あげる.  

■ Use あげる when:

• うち → そと When I or someone in my group give something to someone outside my group. From small to large, inner to outer
• うち → うちWhen someone in my group gives something to someone else also inside my group.
• そと → そと When someone outside my group gives something to someone outside my group.

■ Use くれる when:

• そと → うち When someone outside my group gives something to someone within my group. From large to small.
• Bigger うち → ME When someone in my group gives something to me.

Before moving on to もらう, stop and make sure you understand:

1. Both あげる and くれる mean "to give"
2. Use あげる if you are going from a small うち circle to a large そと circle. Small to large. Inner to outer.
3. Use くれる if you are going from a large circle to a small circle. Large to small. Outer to inner.

■ About もらう

もらう means "to receive," and the focus is always on the receiver.

Consider these two sentences:

• Mr. Suzuki gave Mr. Tanaka a book.
• Mr. Tanaka received a book from Mr. Suzuki.

What's the difference?

Those two sentences mean the same thing: a book was moved from Mr. Suzuki to Mr. Tanaka. But the focus (the topic or subject) changes and, in English, the verb changes too. 

In Japanese, when the focus (topic or subject) is on the receiver, もらう is used.

Key points:

• With もらう, the receiver is the subject, marked by は or が, while the giver is marked by に (or から for physical objects).
• In contrast to あげる and くれる, where the giver is the topic, もらう emphasizes the receiver's perspective.
• Importantly, social relationships (うち or そと) don’t impact もらう; it purely indicates receiving regardless of who the giver or receiver is.
• In third-person situations, もらう is used when focusing on the recipient's perspective, but it cannot be used if the speaker is the giver. This is because もらう inherently requires the viewpoint of the receiver, so using it when the speaker is the giver would be incorrect.

■ もらう format

(Receiver は/が) + (Giver に/から) + (Object を) + もらう

This shows that the receiver is the subject, marked by は or が, and the giver is marked by に or から.

Just to make sure you understand the difference, compare the format for the three verbs:

Here's how to say, “Mr. Tanaka received a book from Mr. Suzuki.” 

Mr. Tanaka received a book from Mr. Suzuki .

田中(たなか)さんは、鈴木(すずき)さんから本(ほん)を もらった。

As for Mr. (or Ms.) Tanaka | Mr. Suzuki | from | book (direct object marker) | received

Note: から emphasizes the starting point of giving (e.g., a physical object). Use に for non-physical gifts such as:

友達(ともだち)に手伝(てつだ)ってもらった. ("I received help from a friend." or "My friend helped me.")

Final Notes on もらう

• When もらう combines with the て-form of another verb (〜てもらう), it expresses that the speaker received a favor or action from someone else. This structure emphasizes that the speaker (or someone in their group) benefited from the action performed by another person.
• With もらう, the receiver (the topic/subject marked by は or が) can be "I" or someone in your inner group (うち). However, the giver cannot be "I" because もらう inherently means receiving from someone else. Therefore, you can't use もらう to describe giving something to yourself. The giver must always be a different person or group.

Final Review

• Use あげる when the giver is the subject and the action goes from a smaller (うち) inner circle to a larger (そと) outer circle.
• Use くれる when the giver is the subject and the action goes from a larger (そと) outer circle to a smaller (うち) inner circle.
• When the receiver is the subject, always use もらう.

Suggested examples to memorize:

あげる, くれる, and もらう can be tricky because they differ from English. Here are three key examples to help: